Rocky V (1990)

Director: John G. Avildsen

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Burt Young, Sage Stallone

Have I Seen it Before: I’ve seen it less than all of the other Rocky films. That much I’m damn sure of.

Did I Like It: Does anyone? Even Stallone, and he wrote it?

There’s any number of things one might fixate on to reckon with the film, and while I’m tempted, I’ll avoid dwelling on Stallone recently calling a certain someone the second George Washington. That whole bit had put me off re-watching any of the Rocky films as of late, before I remembered that the lion’s share of the rights had been wrested from Stallone’s hands, an watching the series is not an act of support for House Stallone.

In re-watching the series, I’m struck again by how likable Balboa is. Never one to take a cheap shot, I have a hard time imagining he would hardly make such brain-dead comparisons. But, as all series re-watches must, one must hit the nadir. And so, in this uniformly accepted worst of the franchise, Rocky becomes a gibbering fool.

That’s the first problem. The second problem is nothing happens in this film. The Balboas lose all of their money, move back into the old neighborhood, meet a guy from Oklahoma* (Tommy Morrison, who makes other athletes turned actors seem like Brando in comparison), before Rocky gets into a brawl with that same Okie.

That’s it. That’s the whole movie. I’ve now saved you the trouble. You’re welcome. This is certainly a series that struggled with coming up for any kind of rationale for further entries, but this is the only film in the series that seems to exist for the sole reason than United Artists decided it had been a while since anyone made a Rocky film, and it was already way too late to get particularly bothered as to whether or not the story made any sense, especially since communism was once brought into the scenario.

No, I don’t really want to take on those subjects. The thing that really sticks in my mind is not any of the above mention plots, or lacktherof. It’s that apparently Rocky and Adrian (Shire; between this and The Godfather - Part III (1990), she wasn’t having the best winter possible) spent five Christmases in a row in Russia, thereby allowing Rocky Jr. (Sage Stallone, not nearly as bad as one would assume) to become the main source of a hopeful future for the family.

Brain damage, indeed. Oh, well. They can’t all be winners. At least I now get to re-watch Rocky Balboa (2006) again now.

*Thanks for that, Sly.

Rocky vs Drago (2021)

Director: Sylvester Stallone

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Carl Weathers, Dolph Lundgren

Have I Seen it Before: Huh. Well, that’s the real question, isn’t it? I’ve never seen this movie like this. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to watch it, either.

Did I Like It: I mentioned a couple of things in my review of the theatrical cut of Rocky IV (1985) that probably bare mentioning again. If you cut out all examples of montage from the film, it would run about twenty minutes. Also, one of my weirder movie moments was when my question about Sico the Robot got included in a Q and A with Stallone and aintitcoolnews.com (kids, ask your parents).

So what do we have here? I’m a little leery of director’s cut as a genre. We can get an infinite amount of re-edits of Blade Runner (1982), and it still never works for me*. The Godfather: Coda: The Death of Michael Corleone (2020) is still, basically The Godfather Part III (1990) with a slightly more sensical ending. And Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021) I was so tried of talking about by the time that it premiered, that it’s the only review I’ve so far outsourced.

Here, the robot is nowhere to be found. Could I have gotten into Stallone’s head? I can’t imagine so… And yet, I can’t rule it out, so that’s fun. Ultimately, the first half of the film is far less ashamed of itself than it once was, freeing it to be more about the friendship of Rocky (Stallone) and Apollo Creed (Weathers) that was started in Rocky III (1982). The second half of the film is largely the same, with a couple of exceptions. The politburo doesn’t get won over by Rocky’s victory. Also, there is no echo of the end of Rocky II (1979), which I only realize now never worked for me.

This is ultimately still a movie aggressively tethered to the 1980s that is about a man winning the Cold War using only his fists, but it is a much better version of that insane movie.

*You can direct your ire to the comments section of that review.

Rocky IV (1985)

Director: Sylvester Stallone

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Burt Young, Dolph Lundgren

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, but let me tell you. We could dwell for a long spell on the fact that this is a film where the Balboa family buys—and incorporates into their family dynamic—a robot.

It’s a deeply perplexing turn in a series of films which is, at least nominally, about boxing. For years, it bugged me. Honestly, it should have bugged humanity. So, in the lead up to the release of Rocky Balboa (2006), when Stallone started answering questions coming from the readership of Aint It Cool News, I had the temerity to pose the question, and he answered it*. Honestly, he seemed kind of put out by being reminded about it. Cut to several years later, and apparently he included it because it was therapeutic to his autistic son and thus meant a lot to him. Had that been the answer back then, I might have felt bad about it at the time.

Did I Like It: Here’s a potentially controversial statement: If Stallone isn’t a truly great director, then he is certainly one of the most consistently underestimated directors. Truly, the fact that he was able to assemble one of the most beloved 80s cinematic confections, when the objective truth is that there is 40 minutes of actual plot here (the rest is filled with endless variations on the same montage), and that plot centers around a former low-level mob enforcer single-handedly winning the Cold War with his fists… Well, it’s a Rocky film, the fists aren’t even all that important. The guy defeated the Soviet Union by being able to take a punch.

I can’t account for how the film is so insanely watchable even now. So much so that it’s certainly on my agenda to take in Stallone’s recently released director’s cut.

I even hear that he cut the robot out of the new version. Maybe he felt bad about it, too.

*Don’t believe me? You can read about it all here. I swear to God I had a devil of a time trying to track down a 17-year-old article in the archives of a website which has essentially—and justifiably—been abandoned. Coming up short for the better part of an hour, I was starting to feel like Winston Smith quietly suspecting that the truth about Eurasia (or a robot named Sico) had been deleted by forces unknown.

Rocky II (1979)

Director: Sylvester Stallone

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Burt Young, Carl Weathers

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, sure.

Did I Like It: It’s been the one entry of the whole series (aside from the positively inert Rocky V (1990)) that I have re-visited the least.

For so many years, I had dismissed it as just Rocky (1976) except Balboa (Stallone, taking over directing duties here from John G. Avildsen) wins his fight with Apollo Creed (Weathers) at the end.

But that’s not quite right, I’ve realized. To say nothing of the fact that Tarantino went on and on about how this one is not only great, but perhaps even better than the original*, it was definitely worth a re-examination.

I’ve long defended Rocky III (1982) as the story of someone who may have peaked, and yet struggles to find a continuing source of the drive that got him there to begin with. This is—despite my deep, nostalgic-tinged love for it—the assessment of a fifteen year old. That quality that Stallone can—and eventually does—tap into in his sleep is really on full display here. At least it’s more poignant here, to a near 40-year-old. Finding drive after you have reached the unassailable top of your game is a story of interest to only a few. If these movie reviews somehow made me the next Siskel and/or Ebert, I don’t think I would be all that worried about keeping the hustle going.

As Rocky had his shot at the title, trying to move on from that glorious moment is something he’s just not that equipped to do. How does a hero move on from the reasonable conclusion of his story? he has to go through the ordeal all over again. That ethos that I always saw in the third Rocky had been staring at me in this one**. I’m going to have to re-order my order-of-preference for the series.

• I love you as much as the next guy, Q, but let’s get serious…

** Could it be that “Eye of the Tiger” recommends a movie that strongly?

Rocky III (1982)

Director: Sylvester Stallone

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Burt Young, Carl Weathers, Burgess Meredith Mr. T, and Hulk Hogan as essentially himself*

Have I Seen it Before: Honestly, I’ve probably seen it more than any other film in the Rocky series… Which brings me to…

Did I Like It: You’re going to call me crazy, but…

Rocky III may be my favorite of the Rocky films. I really, really enjoy this movie. You might say it’s entirely tied to Survivor’s superlative lets-get-pumped “Eye of the Tiger,” but my appreciation for this movie goes deeper. I own a framed poster of the movie. Now, my wife eventually asked that I take it (or as she refers to it “my framed photo of a greased, half-naked Sylvester Stallone) off the wall, but that’s a story for a different time…

Sure, the original is a classic, and Rocky IV is perhaps the most sublimely ridiculous 80s cornball comic book movie, and the fact that Rocky Balboa (2006) and Creed (2015) were able to get more blood out of that stone (or Rock) is a pretty impressive… But this movie is nearly the perfect distillation of what the Rocky series is. It’s the perfect blend of the heart and the cornball that made the series indelible, and helped it win the Cold War, in that order…

There’s a self-awareness to the proceedings that’s endearing when it isn’t purely entertaining, or more accurately, completely wrong. Mickey (Burgess Meredith) turns to Adrian (Talia Shire) during one of the more bombastic scenes and Another moment I can’t help but chuckle at is the boxing announcers assertion in the lead up to the climactic battle between Rocky (Stallone) and Clubber Lang (Mr. T) that this is “absolutely his last fight, win, lose, or draw.” That’s pretty funny, as I’m still not 100% sure that we’ve seen the Italian Stallion’s last fight… at least outside of the ring.

*Between this and Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990), I’m surprised to realize how many films I really enjoy feature the once and future Terry Bollea.

Rocky (1976)

Director: John G. Avildsen

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Burt Young, Burgess Meredith, and lest we forget Carl Weathers

Have I Seen it Before: Probably not as many times as I’ve seen Rocky III (1982). I’m not sure what that says about me.

Did I Like It: Hey, yo… I’m not—like—mentally irregular or nothin’.

I’m going to put a thought out there, and if somebody has a different take on this, I’d love to hear it. But if you haven’t already seen Rocky, then at this point, you’re probably not that interested in it. If you have, you probably already have opinions on not only it, but the entire cottage industry that stemmed from this little seed of a movie. With that, we’ll proceed.

It’s difficult to write about a film like this critically. It’s beloved, and with good reason. It is filled with heart, most of it coming from a single source—Stallone, writing but not quite directing—long before he developed the ego that caused some of his later work to drift into the increasingly absurd and occasionally obnoxious. The original film in the Balboa saga is so steeped in the aesthetic of bleak 70s cinema, but may be one of the most rousing film of all time. Most would say the feel-good streak in American cinema began with Star Wars (1977), but I think it started here and only grew as things progressed into the 80s.

It’s an odd movie to consider in context, though. It spawned (so far) seven sequels. That’s mind boggling if you isolate to yourself to the proceedings of this film. With it throwing its weight around during the ’77 Academy Award, extending its underdog bona fides via Stallone sudden propulsion to stardom, I can’t help but think of it in similar terms to Good Will Hunting (1997). Could you imagine seven sequels to that movie? Actually Good Will Hunting III: The Great Beyond (2005), wherein Matt Damon rips open the space-time continuum with his groundbreaking work at CERN  That would also make Affleck the modern Stallone in my book, which… You know, that actually tracks.