Robocop (2014)

Director: José Padilha

Cast: Joel Kinnaman, Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, Samuel L. Jackson

Have I Seen It Before: Sure. I was essentially obligated, wasn’t I? Although one could imagine me sitting in the theater, stone-faced and with my arms crossed, waiting for disappointment to unfurl.

Did I Like It: Even now, I’m sitting at the keyboard and ready to trash the film. On spec, a PG-13 remake of Robocop (1987) should be one of those ideas that just shouldn’t be. The kind of thing that Rob Zombie is content to ignore, and Zemeckis has protections against written into his contract*.

Surely, this film, long before The Flash (2023) puts The Michael Keaton Rule** to the test.

And yet, here it is. No, it’s not as good as the original. Few things are, not just in this franchise, but on the planet earth.

Is it a passable action film? Sure. Should anybody be embarrassed that they cashed a check from this? Na, although exactly nobody is here for any other reason. Does it have anything to say about the nature of the ghost in machine that has only become more relevant in the decade plus since its release? Not really. If it did, it would have re-entered (or entered for the first time) the cultural conversation long before I broke down and re-watched it for review. Is it forgettable? Yeah, pretty much.

It isn’t bad, necessarily. Then again, maybe it’s awful and certain elements manage to save it. Maybe the Michael Keaton Rule works better than even I thought.

*Which probably makes up for a lot of his future missteps.

**My notion that Michael Keaton automatically improves a film’s quality by 15%. Whereby I still apologize for The Flash, and consider Multiplicity (1996) to be the mathematically—if not emotionally—perfect film.

Robocop 3 (1993)

Director: Fred Dekker

Cast: Robert Burke, Nancy Allen, Jill Hennessy, Remy Ryan

Have I Seen it Before: Here’s the thing about Robocop 3. Imagine being around ten years old, and the only thing you want to watch is Robocop (1987). Notorious, sublimely violent Robocop. Sure, it gets broadcast on TV, but that’s like waiting for a lunar eclipse. There’s this movie, which delivers a… modicum of Robocop-ness in a package marked by the MPAA to get past the shrewdest of parental goalies. It’s not a good enough movie to own, but you’ll be damned if you didn’t rent it five or six times over the course of the 90s, dreaming of the day when both Mom and the MPAA would not hold you down, and you could have free reign over both the original and Robocop 2 (1990).

I have no trouble imagining that.

Did I Like It: It’s going to be impossible to say that anything other than the original Robocop is worth a damn, but the question is does this film deserve the hate it has.

Sure, the film’s ultimate mortal sin is that it tries to market itself to kids, shut out the original’s (and the sequel’s) visceral qualities, in exchange for a kid sidekick (Ryan) and a PG-13 rating. The same thing which allowed the movie to fly under the radar of the hyper-vigilant 90s parent defangs things.

Peter Weller leaves the role, knowing that practically anyone with a particular kind of chin can meet the studio’s requirement* for a poster, but throws away all of the thoughtful work toward making Murphy move like his body was replaced by chrome and servos.

But is it worse than Robocop 2? Here’s where the this review might become just a touch controversial: No, I think Robocop 2 is far, far worse. Yes, the first sequel has the begrudging participation of Weller, but that’s the only round in which the other film wins. Robocop 2 tries to ape the original with none of the soul or wit, each and every time I watch it (and I did re-watch it shortly after viewing this film again), it rings a little bit more hollow. This movie to imitates some of the beats in the original film, but manages to throw in some new shades as well. B-movie nonsense (Robocop versus an android ninja/samurai from Japan, anyone?) has some baser pleasures to behold, while Robocop and the Detroit Police Department actually helping poor people plays a lot more like wish fulfillment than it must have in the 90s.

In addition, Robocop 3 has one secret weapon which makes it at least attempt to feel more in line with its cinematic ancestor. Basil Poledouris, and when I find Leonard Rosenman’s score for Robocop 2 to be one of the worst scores for an action movie ever, the return of Poledouris’ march goes a long way to engendering at least some good will from me.

*Yes, Orion. The same studio which was hemorrhaging money at this point (less than a year out of their Best Picture win for The Silence of the Lambs (1991)), and had to leave the movie on a shelf for upwards of two years.

Robocop 2 (1990)

Director: Irvin Kershner

Cast: Peter Weller, Nancy Allen, Daniel O’Herlihy, Tom Noonan

Have I Seen It Before?: A number of times, and usually under protest. More on that later. One memorable screening of the film took plaace on a stormy night in December 2007. People in the area will remember the massive ice storm that made mincemeat out of my town that month. I popped in my DVD of the film the night of that storm. The power went out and stayed that way for the better part of a week to get the power back. After I returned to my apartment from the holidays, it was 2008 before I could put my life back together…

Er… I mean, finish watching the movie.

Did I like it?: Not unlike the flood of Prime Directives that waylay Robo (Weller, in his final appearance in the role; he fled like the R-rating did from the series) in the second act, this film is only a list of ideas, at best.

There are those aforementioned Prime Directives. By implying that nay degree of social consciousness would make policework impossible, the film certainly ages itself, but it’s an interesting commentary (if no less problematic) on the action movies of the era.  People wonder how Frank Miller became such a fascist nutjob over the years, but the seeds were even here, in his mangled screenplay.

The notion that OCP is struggling just as much as the filmmakers in their efforts to make a newer, better Robocop is more meta commentary than Kershner or Miller probably intended, but it still stands.

The film even maintains the absurd television commercials and satire of the original. While the Media Break sequences aren’t quite as sharp here, the sequence where a little league team has its depraved charms. It’s sad that when this one was nowhere near as successful as the original, the various rights holders to the property over the years missed the lesson, and damned the future of law enforcement to the limbo that is PG-13 to this day.

But none of it comes together in any kind of a satisfying package. The original film is so steeped in Campbellian hero myth that it can’t help but stand the test of time. This falls flat. There is no vision here, just a checklist. Irvin Kershner had wild success with Star Wars – Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980), so when Orion needed a sequel, he was the guy to bring in. He never directed another feature after this. The most baffling element of the film is Leonard Rosenman’s score. He must have been on some list due to his work on Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986), but this is such a complete abandonment of the marches put in place by Basil Poledouris, that every time the choir (yes, choir) chants “ROBOCOP!” one can’t help but notice how far the series has gone off course. Even Robocop 3 (1993) managed to course-correct on that front.

Robocop (1987)

Director: Paul Verhoeven

Cast: Peter Weller, Nancy Allen, Ronny Cox, Kurtwood Smith

Have I Seen It Before?: There’s something fascinating about the image of Robocop, as exemplified in the poster above. It enflamed the imagination of this reviewer as a child (and I’m willing to hazard a guess that I wasn’t the only one). Whenever it would air on network TV, it was appointment viewing. By the time I could procure R-rated films (and it is one of the R-iest R-rated films to come down the pike), it was one of the first I got my hands on.

Did I like it?: And it didn’t disappoint. In truth, the reality is that this film makes me angry. There’s a point about three-fourths through the film where I become pointedly depressed that in my own efforts, I’m never going to make anything as good as this. This film is so good that I have infinite patience for anything with the Robocop name on it, even when that patience is continuously tested by an endless series of lame attempts (that steadfastly avoid any understanding of what makes this film so special) to recapture the glory displayed here.

It is equal parts biting satire (that has become increasingly true), and pure Campbellian hero myth. It’s a silly title, but for my money, it’s a perfect movie.

And, yet… Now we live in an era where it is difficult to look at a cop in a film as a hero, much less a tragic one. It’s also an action movie from the 1980s; you can play any random thirty seconds and find a handful of problematic things. Take his prime directives, an attempt at a heroic code:

1.       Serve the Public Trust

2.       Protect the Innocent

3.       Uphold the Law

4.       (CLASSIFIED) Any attempt to arrest an officer of Omni Consumer Products results in shutdown.

The fourth directive is clearly the main fuel of stories involving the characters, but when you dig into it further, his very design is fascist. Everyone is theoretically innocent until proven guilty, but Robocop (Weller) has no problem eviscerating (and castrating) piles of crooks long before they’ve been able to see an attorney. With a logical flaw in his overriding programming, it’s a wonder Robo didn’t join the HAL 9000 in trying to obliterate every full-human being in sight just to make logical sense of the world.

There may be good cops, but the system is not interested in letting them stay good. That the slightest wisps of a human being encased in military hardware can still reach for their own humanity, maybe there is some hope. It is, after all, a fantasy.