St. Elmo’s Fire (1985)

Director: Joel Schumacher

Cast: Rob Lowe, Demi Moore, Emilio Estevez, Ally Sheedy

Have I Seen It Before: Sure.

Did I Like It: Question before we go any further. How did fully half of <The Breakfast Club (1985)> go from detention to that disaffected first year after college in less than six months? Isn’t that the biggest special effect asking us to leap from our logic in 1985?

If I’m asking those kinds of questions about the movie, I couldn’t have along for the ride, free of any self-consciousness. The reputation of the film is one of general revulsion, countered only by the fact that it appealed and continues to appeal to a certain subset of the population who were that terrible in 1985. As an infant at the time, I was probably terrible, but at least I had an excuse.

I think you would be hard pressed to find a review that isn’t fixated on just how terrible all of the characters. And that’s because they are. Well, everyone except Wendy (Mare Winningham), about whom I spend the entire runtime wondering why she was hanging out with these people. It celebrates their worst impulse not only for far longer than any sane film would have, but as a central, load-bearing element of the entire film’s rationale for existing in the first place.

Several of them ought to be arrested*. Most of them probably ought to not have jobs. I can’t imagine any of them adding value to the universe by marrying and having kids.

You might think I’ve become an old fuddy duddy (or as the movie would have you believe: interested in a quiet place for brunch). You might think I have some unresolved issues with the films of Joel Schumacher. <The Flash (2023)> kinda proved that much, so I’ll cede that point, if nothing else.

Here’s where the problem lies in the film. Much of it rings unnervingly true, making the film all the more frustrating. Have I worked in a job in social services where—if the film had bothered to stay a moment longer in the scene—it would have become the single most preposterous series of events ever captured on film? Maybe… Did I spend any sustained moment of my twenties with a particular opinion about Billy Joel’s The Stranger**? I mean, sure. Didn’t we all? Was I the President of my college’s Young Democrats, only to slowly realize that if I were to have any kind of future in politics, I was really going to have to switch sides? Listen: at least I decided to get out of the game all together. Did I ever (read: usually) try to weird my affection for and knowledge of the films of Woody Allen as my opening line with women?

Damn it, Schumacher. I didn’t come to the movies to get called out like that.

*They are all male, in case you were wondering, and I’m mostly thinking about Kirbo (Estevez), before who you think I’m thinking of, although he should spend some time in a cell, too. Incidentally, I also don’t think there is any way Kirbo ended up successfully finishing a year of law school, to say nothing of becoming a lawyer. Don’t ask me how I know.

**I still don’t quite know what Alec (Judd Nelson) was on about in that scene. If you can explain it to me, please reach out to me on any still-functioning social media platform.

Wayne’s World (1992)

Director: Penelope Spheeris

Cast: Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Rob Lowe, Tia Carrere

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, please. Or perhaps I should say “Schya?” (which the new Blu-Ray steelbook tells me is the proper spelling)  I find it highly unlikely that someone could get through their childhood in the 90s and not catch this one. I’m probably more familiar with “Bohemian Rhapsody” from this than anything else…

Did I Like It: The film is funny, which is more than can be said for really any of the SNL-based feature films (yes, I’m including you,  The Blues Brothers (1980)), and it is far weirder than any film based on a recurring comedy sketch has any right to be. That weirdness, too, doesn’t limit it from authentically and affectionately depicting that unique, guileless aimlessness in your 20s which can be bought out entirely for $5000.

We could talk about all of that, but it’s obvious. There’s nothing new to be added to any of those points. Do you want to know where this movie rises above even movies occupying similar types of characters like Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) or Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)?

It’s in a dismantling of toxic masculinity that the film rises above its peers. Yes, its heroes are governed by a shallowness concerning the opposite sex, are dominated by a need for immediate gratification (does licorice go bad if you replace the rear view mirror of your car with a dispenser?), and are more interested in what people like than what they are like. But where other characters are usually terrified by nothing more than the implication of a man telling them they love them.

And yet here, there is no terror when Terry (Lee Tergesen) continuously tells characters he loves the. There’s just an awkwardness at the slightest acknowledgement of any real emotion between people. But in the end (albeit the mega-happy ending), that is all dispensed with to make everyone better people than they were at the beginning, even if it is in service of a joke.

Salem’s Lot (2004)

Director: Mikael Salomon

Cast: Rob Lowe, Andre Braugher, Donald Sutherland, Rutger Hauer

Have I Seen it Before: Never. Had it not been included with a DVD set along with IT (1990) and The Shining (1997) (no, not that one) I likely never would seen it. If I wasn’t trying to do my level-headed best to get through my pile of unwatched DVDs, I may still have never seen it.

Did I Like It: Let’s put it simply: I was half-considering not writing a review of this at all, seeing as it was a television miniseries that aired on TNT. Since I already reviewed those other two films in the set, consistency alone has brought me to this low point.

One can’t imagine that the film’s failing are entirely its own fault. The prospect of a two-part television movie based on a Stephen King novel is not exactly the stuff of high quality. The only exception is the aforementioned IT, and that is a four hour journey through mostly dullsville, punctuated by a legitimately terrifying performance from Tim Curry. It also helped that I first saw fleeting images of that one when I was five.

There is not much to recommend the proceedings here, then, aside from the always welcome presence of Andre Braugher. It’s interesting to note that this is another vampire film starring Sutherland and Hauer, but this barely about vampires, and it wasn’t exactly like their first team-up worked out so hot. The production value is embarrassingly cheap when it isn’t spectacularly boring. Seriously, Rob Lowe left The West Wing for stuff like this? Even the fifth season of that show is more memorable than this. It actually inspires me to actively avoid the novel on which it is based. It’s a real shame.