Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)

Director: J. Lee Thompson

Cast: Roddy McDowall, Don Murray, Ricardo Montalbán, Natalie Trundy

Have I Seen It Before: Yes, but I’ve always had a dim view of that era in the series post-Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971) but pre-Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) was just not worth re-visiting.

Did I Like It: And that memory largely bears out here. Conquest is largely perfectly fine b-sci-fi fare. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had thought that this film and its follow up, Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973) were produced as a precursor for the short-lived Planet of the Apes TV series. I didn’t get that sense, at least here. This is a fully realized, if flawed, movie.

Montalbán is here, which is always welcome, but departs the proceedings early, sort of for a plot reason, but one imagines far more because the film could only meet his quote for just so many shooting days. The makeup for the various apes have again taken a turn, not necessarily in a sense of artistry (read: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993) but as a question of tonnage. Escape avoided problems with dwindling resources by populating the affair with only three Ape actors. Here, the planet is back, baby, but it feels like the vast majority of those whose would take up Caesar’s (McDowall) call to arms are wearing masks which would have been far, far in the background when Charlton Heston still rocked a loincloth.

None of that is inherently wrong. There are plenty of cheap films, and even genre films (Halloween (1978) immediately comes to mind, or any early Carpenter) that are an absolute delight. What’s wrong is that the series has lost its nerve. Every movie in the series has an ending that makes one feel (to varying degrees) genuinely surprised. Here, everything has an inevitable quality. Then again, when Planet of the Apes (2001) felt obligated to throw in a twist ending, things didn’t work out so well. Maybe I’m being unfair, but after three wild endings in a row, one can’t help but think that ideas were running thin.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971)

Director: Don Taylor

Cast: Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter, Bradford Dillman, Ricardo Montalbán

Have I Seen It Before: Oh, sure.

Did I Like It: First of all, and I don’t think my eventual re-watch of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972) will turn me around on this, but as a general rule you can’t go wrong including Ricardo Montalbán in your science fiction sequel. I challenge you to find me an exception.

There’s a level at which I want to say this might even be superior to <Planet of the Apes (1968)>, and I’m not entirely sure it is insane. Certainly, this third film in the series is less iconic than anything that culminates in Charlton Heston trying to have an argument with a be-togaed French lady (shit, there I go again, spoiling the first one for you…) but even that is a subjective argument. Maybe Escape from the Planet of the Apes has some special meaning for you. What cannot be disputed is that Escape is a far cheaper film then either of its predecessors, to the point where the title almost begins to seem like a misnomer. Then again, A Trio of Apes Travel to and Attempt to Adapt to Life on the Planet of the Humans lacks a certain poetry.

Lest you think that is knock against the film, let me say without any doubt that quality is its secret strength. Right from the opening credits where we’re led to believe that cohorts of Heston’s Taylor or Franciscus’ Brent have somehow made it back to a recognizable version of terra firma, only to be greeted by two of our favorite apes from prior films (and a friend (Sal Mineo)) have somehow found their way on the other end of the franchise’s denial. A dour, foolish sort of person may look at this premise and say that the near-plausible accounting of time travel in the first two films (am I the first person to ever attach the word “plausible” to <Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)>? Quite possibly, yes.) is flipped on its head when it is no longer a matter of time dilation, and instead a stable rift in the fabric of time which will allow travelers to travel back and forth between the simian and human ages.

What this premise does is trick—and quite masterfully so—the audience into letting their guard down. The jaunty Jerry Goldsmith score and the playful banter between Zira (Hunter) and Cornelius (McDowall) all makes you think that this is going to be “the funny one” in the series. For much of its runtime, Escape delivers on that process. We even get a delightful homage of Zira and Cornelius trying on human fashions. You are not prepared when matters become not only just as bleak as the two previous films, but heartbreaking to boot. No longer are we confronted with the massive tragedy of all of humans or apes being snuffed out in an instant, we are forced to watch the painful, tragic death of two characters we have grown quite fond of over the course of three films, and their child lives on, to start the process all over again in just about the only sci-fi headfake ending in this series to rival the first. The bleakness of this series becomes no longer an abstract, and it is all the more heartbreaking for it.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Director: Nicholas Meyer

Cast: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, Ricardo Montalbán

Have I Seen it Before: Hoo, boy. Long established in my family lore is the screening my mother went to at a second-run theater in the summer of 1984. As the USS Reliant exploded in a wave of the Genesis Effect, I—a learned elder, as far as fetuses were concerned—decided to give my ma a bit of a break and cut it out with the kicking and whatnot. It’s entirely possible that while some babies were exposed to classical music or the neurosis and bitterness of their parents in utero, I absorbed the bombastic score of James Horner and the sneering villainy of Khan Noonien Singh (Montalbán) as the foundation of my very being.

The first time I remember watching the movie while sentient was on a feeble VHS copy. I couldn’t have been more than ten years old and spent the rest of the day giddily recounting the plot to anyone who would listen. This time, my poor suffering mother got the raw end of the deal and had to hear a ten-year-old’s impression of a Ceti eel.

During this particular screening, I was able to lip sync every line of dialogue. I even felt the need to argue with several of the trivia questions before the feature presentation. Because they were wrong.

Yes. I’ve seen it a couple of times.

Did I Like It: At one point after the nadir of Star Trek: Nemesis (2002) and the particularly wheel-spinning seasons of Star Trek: Enterprise, I wondered quietly whether I actually didn’t care much for Star Trek at all, but was so in love with this film that I was willing to give every other entry in the series a pass because it shared some basic elements with this film.

It is a thrilling story, told at a breakneck pace that still manages to let smaller character moments have their due time. It is about friendship, and aging, and revenge, and sacrifice, and living the first, best destiny you know in your bones. It is told with a startling simplicity that allows fully-steeped fans and newcomers alike to delight in the proceedings. Any time I am trying to create a story on my own, I’m reaching for an experience somewhere in the vicinity of this film.

It is not only my favorite Star Trek film, it is certainly one of my favorite movies of all time. It may be my favorite film of all time, although I tend to blanche at ranking these things so precisely.

Every time I see the film, I notice something new. During this particular screening I noticed that Chekov (Walter Koenig) is not seen on screen after purging himself of the Ceti eel without cotton in his bloodied ear. Also, somehow I had never put together that the Genesis Effect billowing out of the Reliant also caused the Mutara Nebula to collapse in on itself, harnessing the material of the nebula to create the Genesis Planet that would be the setting of most of the action of Star Trek III: The Search For Spock (1984). I honestly don’t know how it has taken longer than my actual lifespan to put that one together. It is a film that keeps on giving.

And yet, it is not a perfect film. The subplot with Midshipman Preston (Ike Eisenmann) doesn’t resonate, and it is only in the director’s cut (first released in 2002) that things are slightly illuminated, although I still don’t understand why Scotty (James Doohan) brought the poor suffering crewman to the bridge first, and not directly to sickbay. Additionally, the effects of the Genesis Cave on the Regula planetoid are alternately a triumph of matte work (back when such a thing was still done) and a completely befuddling choice in animated optical processing. But the flaws give me comfort. Even if I am flawed in my own work, I can still reach for the ideal. 

As with most films, watching it at home on a television is only imitating the experience in many ways. I had the delight to see it a few years ago during a Fathom Event screening. Seeing it projected on the big screen was a blissfully different experience. However, that screening was sparsely populated. This time, I saw it in conjunction with a live event hosted by none other than William Shatner. While the Captain Kirk emeritus was understandably more interested in talking about Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), seeing the film with a packed and enthusiastic crowd was sublime. The cheering for cast members during the opening credits, the polite applause for GOAT writer-director Nicholas Meyer (which I believe he would have found staggeringly appropriate), the laughing at jokes I had long since internalized, and the genuine feeling that accompanied the climax gave every inch of the film a new life, as if it had been goosed by the Genesis Wave itself. I couldn’t help but feel like Kirk at the end. A movie that was old news at my birth was all new again.

I couldn’t help but feel young.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

Director: David Zucker

Cast: Leslie Nielsen, Priscilla Presley, Ricardo Montalbán, George Kennedy

Have I Seen it Before: Sure. 

Did I Like It: Is it the last great entry in the now long-since past its prime film parody genre? Here, the gags hit more than they miss. Nielsen continues to live his best life by embracing the oblivious straight man to unrestrained laziness he would continue to play for the rest of his days. The sequels were varying degrees of acceptable, but after this came a litany of entries in the “BLANK Movie” series content to merely reference the topics their lampooning, while at the same time forgetting to actually be funny in their own right. Those movies then went on to begat the execrable Cinema Sins and Honest Trailers Youtube videos. I’ve been to the future, and those videos will eventually lead to the highly advanced, but ultimately misanthropic supercomputers eventually responsible for the unravelling of all human society.

It’s likely unfair to judge a movie for the unintentional crimes it later inflicted on humanity, which is a perfect time to touch on the topic of this, O.J. Simpson’s most famous cinematic role. He’s likable enough and not asked to do much in the comedic arena other than mug for the camera and get shot and maimed. He’s amiable enough and game enough to not get in the movie’s way, although a plot (such as a movie like this could even have a plot) that hinges around proving O.J. Simpson’s innocence aged terribly within just a few years of the original release.

And yet, there is one element of the film that will forever be the right choice. Human society could collapse in on itself, and making Ricardo Montalbán your villain will always, always be the right choice.

Also, there’s only like two absurd credit items during the final crawl. I’m not sure whether to label it a missed opportunity that other movies would capitalize on, or a towering monument to restraint in a movie otherwise disinterested in anything resembling discipline.