Kindergarten Cop (1990)

Director: Ivan Reitman

Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Penelope Ann Miller, Pamela Reed, Linda Hunt

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, definitely. I, too was six in 1990, so I’ll never not be the same age as these kids, no matter how old I get. I think the phrase “Mr. Kimble, are you all right?” is one of those top-five uttered phrases in my house. Oddly enough, I think I’ve probably seen it far more from a VHS-recorded broadcast on the NBC Sunday Night Movie in the mid-90s. It’s still weird to hear some of the characters swear mildly in a PG-13 sort of way. “Shove it up your ass” lives in my memory as “shove it” and “How did it feel to punch that son of a bitch” swaps out to “SOB.”

Did I Like It: As I started to type this review, the word “flawless” keeps floating through my head, even if that feels like something of a ridiculous word to bandy about in a film whose plot hinges on trope after trope after trope, when it isn’t pushed forward by bouts of food poisoning. But, what else is the film really aiming for? What’s more, the film manages to be surprisingly enlightened (minus a few moments where a large germanic man is making children march in coordination) on its views of early childhood education.

Schwarzenegger is aptly game, increasing his comic acumen that he all of a sudden revealed to everyone (by way of Reitman) in Twins (1988), and proves that he at least has less of an ego about his film persona, and in fact might simply be funnier than his contemporaries. Sure, Bruce Willis might have become famous with a comic persona, but it wore away as the years went on, give or take a The Whole Nine Yards (2000). Stallone can try to do an Oscar (1991) or, god-forbid a Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), but he never got anywhere close to being believably flustered by a comedic situation.

The Shadow (1994)

Director: Russell Mulcahy

Cast: Alec Baldwin, John Lone, Penelope Ann Miller, Peter Boyle

Have I Seen It Before?: Oh, sure. I’m still kind of befuddled why this film didn’t take fire in 1994 like it might have. There are troubles with the film, to be sure (more on that later), but there are several far worse film that captured the imagination of America’s youth. It sure captured mine. I bought up all the Shadow action figures I could get a hold of, and grabbed as many tapes of old Shadow radio shows as I could, igniting my interest in both Orson Welles and radio drama.

Now that I think about it, this film has quite a lot to answer for.

Did I like it?: Let’s dwell on the positives, shall we? I think the only thing that separated Alec Baldwin from a long run as a verifiable leading man is a run of bad luck. In this film he is equal parts menacing, funny, and charming. Had he been British, he would have made a great Bond. Even though this film kind of falls apart under its own weight, I could have watched a long series of him as Lamont Cranston. I’ll eagerly take 30 Rock as consolation prize, though. The rest of the cast is brilliant. The movie contains Jonathan Winters, Ian McKellan, and Tim Curry without breaking a sweat. Every other bit part (and some of the leads, let’s be honest) ooze b-movie goodness in ever second of screen time.

Jerry Goldsmith’s score is one of his best, and that’s a career that’s included Gremlins (1984), Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979), and Star Trek: First Contact (1996).

The film looks amazing, from the cinematography through the production design, all the way through the set decoration. I dare say a far more effective art deco nightmare than some of the contemporary Batman films. It manages to make an effective Times Square of the the 1930s using only matte paintings, and the Shadow’s sanctum is one of the cooler sets that is tragically underutilized. The whole world, filled with an evil man forced into redemption—and his agents—is fantastic.

Now, if all of that had been used in service of a storyline that wasn’t held together by very weak string, and further waylaid by what feels like tampering at the editing bay, then we’d be celebrating this film for the delicious pop explosion it could have been.

But then again, so many films stories are flimsy as hell. Who cares? Let’s give this film all of the credit it is due.