Men in Black 3 (2012)

Director: Barry Sonnenfeld

Cast: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Jermaine Clement

Have I Seen it Before: I have a strong, unwavering belief that this was the last movie I ever saw in a hotel room pay-per-view. And I mean that as it was the most recent time that happened, and also the final time. Honestly, kids. Ask your parents.

Did I Like It: What is the smallest possible rationale for a movie to be made? Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989) is what it is because Shatner had a favored-nations clause with Nimoy and thus, the crew of the Enterprise meets God. The Cat in the Hat (2003) was the minimum punishment Mike Myers was able to stomach after refusing to make a movie version of Sprockets. The less said about most adaptations of The Fantastic Four, the better.

Among all of those, the pitch “Josh Brolin can do a pretty good impression of Tommy Lee Jones” has got to be pretty thin. But Sonnenfeld and company make the best of it, for the most part. Trying to get Jones by telling him he maybe had to work for a week probably helped matters more than little.

I’m not entirely sure (pre 2022 Oscars, naturally) why Smith felt the need to come back, and could still around the same time turn his nose up at Independence Day: Resurgence (2016). A summer sci-fi extravaganza is just the same as any other. Maybe if Josh Brolin could do a young Robert Loggia impression…

Ultimately a third venture with Earth’s last line of defenses is about as good as the original and a fair sight better than the almost paint-by-numbers second film. I’m normally in favor of any series wanting to suddenly adopt time travel, but content to reach for the simplest of audiences, we’re not so much allowed to go along on the adventure with Agent J as having him occasionally mention aloud what is happening. It’s not my favorite thing to happen. But it’s all of a piece.

Men in Black II (2002)

Director: Barry Sonnenfeld

Cast: Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith*, Lara Flynn Boyle, Rosario Dawson

Have I Seen it Before: Only once, so far as I can remember, on its opening weekend all those years ago. Maybe I was in a singularly bad mood in those days, but the film failed to make much of an impression then.

Did I Like It: And I’m not sure it has improved much. It is not altogether funny. With an alarming frequency, it falls into the trap so many blockbuster sequels fall into, where it seems like we’re supposed to be content with this new entry echoing lines and scenarios from the original, while also positively straining its narrative muscles to cancel any conclusions from the first film. I’m ultimately willing to overlook that deficit when I realize that the original film wasn’t nearly as funny as we collectively like to try and remember. The series is more possessed of light science fiction/space opera injected with a certain degree of Peter Gunn energy.

And on that front, the film delivers what it promises. I’m even willing to acknowledge that it aptly takes itself less seriously than the earlier film and embraces the sci-fi cheese that is at the core of its being.

So, does the film work better now than it did back then? I’m in agreement with my previous self to say that as appointment-viewing blockbuster viewing, it feels too slight for its own good. But as a light entertainment to play on a lazy Saturday afternoon while trying to catch up on some writing? A movie that Rob Gordon in High Fidelity (2000) might describe longingly as “something I can ignore”? It works perfectly. That may sound like damning with faint praise, but the world certainly needs movies to play in the background.

They just need to get past opening weekend.

*Man, Jones’ agents must have made one hell of a deal on Men in Black (1997) to still be getting top billing in the new millennium.

Men in Black (1997)

Director: Barry Sonnenfeld

Cast: Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith, Linda Fiorentino, Vincent D’Onofrio

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, sure. While producing The Fourth Wall I had avoided watching it as the Venn diagram might interfere with the process. In fact, I think the DVD currently on my shelf was one of the first DVDs I ever owned.

Did I Like It: It was a strange experience watching this in the summer of 2022. This was the first time since the infamous Academy Awards slap that I’ve taken in a movie starring Smith, and when J first appears on screen, I had some kind of reaction to seeing him again. It wasn’t the return of a conquering hero, or the dread of seeing an aggressor at his prime. It was a degree of annoyance. It certainly seems like Chris Rock suffered no permanent injury, so I could really go the rest of my life without hearing about it. If I’m not alone in that assessment, one does wonder what shape Smith’s career as a movie star will take from here.

There’s nothing wrong with the film itself, but I think even in the 90s I had the sense that this was an exercise in half measures. It’s funny enough, but there are comedies—even high-concept ones—with a far higher laugh-to-miss ratio. The action is engaging enough, but I don’t even have to think all that hard to trip over more suspenseful action movies, even in the summer of 1997*. Ultimately, as a science fiction piece it could stand to be a fair sight weirder than it ends up being. Ultimately, the film is a near-perfect case study in making a big entertainment designed to not offend anyone, but never quite thrill anyone either. Whenever I see a bland monstrosity (including especially the sequels and spin-offs which were to follow in this franchise), I can’t help but wonder what movies might look like now if we hadn’t so thoroughly over-validated this one. back in the day.

*I’m looking in your direction, Con Air and Air Force One.

Men in Black International (2019)

Director: F. Gary Gray

Cast: Tessa Thompson, Chris Hemsworth, Kumail Nanjiani, Liam Neeson

Have I Seen it Before: While a new release, everything about this movie has been seen before.

Did I Like It: Not really, no.

And that’s okay. The movie’s heart is in the right place. Moving away from an American-centric version of the franchise both adds some flavor to the movie (and, cynically, increases its odds at a higher international box office). Making our protagonists a woman of color is a great choice, and Tessa Thompson continues her streak of being great, even if this movie isn’t doing her any favors.

And the fact that the movie surrounding her isn’t very good is kind of comforting. For years, any movie that has dared for any degree of increased representation was required to be good, or it would have been used as evidence that representation itself is flawed. That this movie underwhelms is not being used as evidence that films should continue to be as white and male as they possible can be.

I just wish it was funnier, you know? Chris Hemsworth has proven in recent years (especially when paired with the perfect comic partner like Tessa Thompson) to be the goofball the world needs right now, but here he is straightjacketed into a role not far removed from a warmed-over Han Solo. The plot is predictable to the point of being paint-by-numbers, and that has been forgiven in plenty of films, as long as it had been funnier.

Then again, the original three Will Smith starring films are only intermittently funny, so I suppose this movie lives up to its heritage. Maybe it just needed to come from stronger stock.

But, honestly? The fact that you enter the London MiB field office through an antique typewriter shop nearly flipped my review to be positive. So, it’s not completely without charm.