Morbius (2022)

Director: Daniel Espinosa

Cast: Jared Leto, Matt Smith, Adria Arjona, Jared Harris

Have I Seen it Before: Starring Jared Leto? A Spider-Man spinoff? Well, clearly I was there opening weekend.

Did I Like It: A movie review should probably not be a wellspring of snark. It’s easy, and doesn’t really engage with the film.

But I really can’t help myself.

We seem to be past the part of human history where Jared Leto is a leading man movie star, thank you very much, the one-two punch of Tron: Ares (2025) and Masters of the Universe (2026). That’s good. We can—as a species—begin to heal. I might have preferred it happened more because we all came to our senses and less because he is something of a sex pest, but sometimes we can’t choose where our progress comes from.

But, and I ask this not to crack a grin out of you, how did he become a huge star in the first place? I’m told people went head over heals for that My So-Called Life show, but didn’t that thing air for about a month? How did we confuse the cute boy on the show no body cared about with the rightful heir to Jack Nicholson?

Because, honestly, the biggest problem in this movie is not its completely average screenplay about a character even the frothiest of fanboys couldn’t care that much about. It’s the fact tha Leto is an absolute negative vortex of charisma. While he could fake his way through a Suicide Squad (2016), or a Blade Runner 2049 (2017), and any number of supporting roles, once he has to share almost every scene with an actually interesting actor like Matt Smith (whose only crime here is getting confused when Karen Gillan told him doing a Marvel movie was a career-boosting lark), the whole illusion falls apart.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011)

Director: Guy Ritchie

Cast: Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Noomi Rapace, Jared Harris

Have I Seen It Before: Yep.

Did I Like It: I was a little down on Sherlock Holmes (2009) when I re-watched it recently, feeling like it was taking stray elements of the Doyle Canon and packaging it into an assembly-line action movie. All of the ominous portents of the Moriarty (Harris) to follow in that original film come to pass here. That means this becomes a sausage of typical action movie sequels, filled with bits of the Doyle Canon.

And somehow, I found myself enjoying it more than I did the original. Why? There’s something to be said for those genre films that feel unencumbered by setting things up. There’s a breezy adventure to be had here. It also helps that everything that did work about the original has mostly stayed in place here. Rachel McAdams is tragically underused*, but Downey and Law’s chemistry is still firmly in place, and the rustic score and production design set this apart from other on-screen Holmeses and Watsons.

With a rebound like this, it’s kind of a wonder how this film series hasn’t continued with several more entries up until this point. Even in those uncertain years before Avengers: Endgame (2019) and Oppenheimer (2023), a return to Baker Street might have been a smart move for Downey’s career. There are even whispers of a return trip with this version of the detectives (although who knows if Ritchie will be on board) is still in the offing, but I have a hard time imagining such a film existing without it being primarily about Holmes and Watson being over the hell. That feels less fun, and like it has been done before.

Then again, blanching at the idea of “it’s been done before,” would mean that no one would ever play the detectives again.

*She may be the Paul Winfield of female movie stars tragically underused in franchise sequels. I’m looking in your direction, this film, and Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022).

The Ward (2010)

Director: John Carpenter

Cast: Amber Heard, Mamie Gummer, Danielle Panabaker, Jared Harris

Have I Seen it Before: No. I acquired it during one of my flea market runs for DVDs. Had it not had the Carpenter moniker on it, it would have never occurred to me to watch the film, much less own it.

Did I Like It: Without going into too much detail about the movie itself, as I finally watched the movie, I knew without any shred of doubt that I would never watch it again, thus it immediately went not on the shelf my standing disc collection, but instead on the pile of DVDs to be sold or donated somewhere.

Want to know more about the movie? The plot is barely non-existant, and the twist ending has the unusual distinction of feeling cliched, tacked on, and not actually mean anything in favor of one more jump scare in the film’s last moment. It’s barely an hour and a half, but feels much longer.

Carpenter hasn’t really made a good film since arguably In the Mouth of Madness (1994) and undeniably since They Live (1988). He had taken a ten-year break before coming back to direct here, He has yet to direct anything since, and I think that’s probably the right decision. He lost interest in making great films a long time ago.

But the elements that would have made this a diverting way to spend just over an hour weren’t even there. The film makes pretty good use of the wide screen format, but long gone are the days of his collaborations with cinematographer Dean Cundey. He didn’t even do the score. A thorough disappointment all around.

Is it sad or sort of okay if a once-great director just runs out of steam one day? I for one think that’s fine. The sentiment surely doesn’t save this film, but no one can take away the fact that John Carpenter made Halloween (1978).