Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

Director: J. Lee Thompson

Cast: Roddy McDowall, Claude Akins, Natalie Trundy, John Huston

Have I Seen It Before: Yes, but it leapt immediately from my brain and memory, even all those years ago.

Did I Like It: If you cut out the awkward framing device, wherein The Lawgiver (Huston, because I’m betting Orson Welles uncharacteristically said no) pontificates on the legend of the first intelligent ape, Caesar (McDowall, who here is far too fascinated with the fact that he looks exactly like his father, Cornelius, for my taste), you might have a leaner movie that doesn’t end on an ape statue crying (no, really). If you cut out all the footage from earlier (read: better) films, this may not even qualify as a feature. Although, if you had added more footage of Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971) you would also accidentally increase your Kim Hunter quotient, and I think there’s a pretty strong correlation between Kim Hunter or Andy Serkis’ presence in a Planet of the Apes movie and whether or not the film is worth a damn. It probably wouldn’t save the film. It certainly didn’t save Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972).

Now, I come here not to bury Caesar. I’ve even managed to find ways to praise him somewhat*. Stopping for several minutes to unpack the logic of time travel will only kind of work as a way to suck up to me. This movie wants to spend several minutes getting mired in the logical problems of time travel, which is usually a sure-fire way to suck up to me. It has more than enough weirdness in it. In fact, while the majority of this review has been demonstrably negative, I don’t think you would have a terrible time if you watched, certainly if you have watched the previous five films.

*I’m unreasonably proud with how that one turned out.

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)

Director: J. Lee Thompson

Cast: Roddy McDowall, Don Murray, Ricardo Montalbán, Natalie Trundy

Have I Seen It Before: Yes, but I’ve always had a dim view of that era in the series post-Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971) but pre-Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) was just not worth re-visiting.

Did I Like It: And that memory largely bears out here. Conquest is largely perfectly fine b-sci-fi fare. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had thought that this film and its follow up, Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973) were produced as a precursor for the short-lived Planet of the Apes TV series. I didn’t get that sense, at least here. This is a fully realized, if flawed, movie.

Montalbán is here, which is always welcome, but departs the proceedings early, sort of for a plot reason, but one imagines far more because the film could only meet his quote for just so many shooting days. The makeup for the various apes have again taken a turn, not necessarily in a sense of artistry (read: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993) but as a question of tonnage. Escape avoided problems with dwindling resources by populating the affair with only three Ape actors. Here, the planet is back, baby, but it feels like the vast majority of those whose would take up Caesar’s (McDowall) call to arms are wearing masks which would have been far, far in the background when Charlton Heston still rocked a loincloth.

None of that is inherently wrong. There are plenty of cheap films, and even genre films (Halloween (1978) immediately comes to mind, or any early Carpenter) that are an absolute delight. What’s wrong is that the series has lost its nerve. Every movie in the series has an ending that makes one feel (to varying degrees) genuinely surprised. Here, everything has an inevitable quality. Then again, when Planet of the Apes (2001) felt obligated to throw in a twist ending, things didn’t work out so well. Maybe I’m being unfair, but after three wild endings in a row, one can’t help but think that ideas were running thin.