X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Director: Brett Ratner

Cast: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, sure.

Did I Like It: There’s so much about the film that works, I’m tempted to give the whole affair a pass, but it feels like everything that does work about the movie is left over from other filmmakers. The misé-en-scene of the X-Men cinematic universe and large swaths of the cast are remnants of Bryan Singer’s work* in the first two films. Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, and Ian McKellen—and they are really the center of the film, especially as one realizes that Famke Janssen is essentially the center of the film, but not much more than a MacGuffin with dialogue— continue to fill their roles with aplomb. The world and sets those characters occupy feel (at least occasionally) still real.

The storyline and new cast members here are largely left over from Matthew Vaughn’s (he who went on to revitalize the franchise with X-Men: First Class (2011)) abortive relationship with the film. Giving the mutants an opportunity to assimilate into the human world provides a good jumping off point for drama, and really only in a way that an X-Men story can. Kelsey Grammer is sublime casting for Hank McCoy/Beast, and I want to believe that had more to do with Vaughn than Ratner. Maybe I’m wrong.

But unfortunately, the film doesn’t end up being more than the sum of its part. It feels stripped down to fit into the shape of a pretty typical summer action movie. The pathos isn’t there. It’s too bad that it propped up the legend around Singer’s earlier work. If Dark Phoenix (2019) is any indication, the Dark Phoenix saga is probably the unadaptable story, and some of Singer’s polish might have worn off sooner rather than later…

Then again, he did make Superman Returns (2006) instead. So, maybe I am wrong.

*I feel a tad remiss in that I didn’t mention in my review of X2: X-Men United (2003) that the perceived idea of Singer’s auteur status seems like it was largely bunk, even before he couldn’t be relied upon to actually direct the films for which he received credit. Apparently he spent much of his career hiding his deep terribleness that the movies that mae him famous had to be largely completed by producers.

X2: X-Men United (2003)

Director: Bryan Singer

Cast: Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellen, Alan Cumming

Have I Seen It Before: Ha. I’m oddly proud of the fact that I opted to go see this at the expense of going to my senior prom*. I remember so vividly that I went to the film with somebody who then worked with me at a grocery store. After the film, he declared that the film was a Christian parable, especially the scene where Bobby Drake/Iceman’s (Shawn Ashmore) parents won’t accept him and ask him if he had tried not being a mutant.

I didn’t quite have the heart to tell him what it was an obvious allegory for, especially as he seemed to like the film well enough.

Not a month goes by where I don’t think about the fact that that dude was technically my date for senior prom.

Did I Like It: Here’s the wild thing. If my moviegoing companion had focused on Nightcrawler’s (Cumming) story, he might have had a point. It can be a lot of things to a lot of different people, apparently, and never feel weighed down by everything its trying to do.

That doesn’t even cover the fact that every objective element is improved upon the original, a film that itself largely works. The action is more sure of itself, the scope of the story more epic, and the cast of characters embrace further corners of the source material that the original film seemed borderline ashamed of (even if it objectively just couldn’t afford to let its mutant flag fly).

Then there’s the fact that this is objectively one of the most apt homages to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982) I’ve ever seen. Honestly. Play the last few minutes of both films side by side. They very nearly sync up.

*Yes, I’m aware I could go to both in a single day, or even a single weekend. The first time I saw Spider-Man (2002) was immediately after the junior prom, but I figured I would only re-create the portions of the evening that worked.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Director: Peter Jackson

Cast: Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, Liv Tyler, Viggo Mortensen

Have I Seen it Before: I expressed during my review for The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002) that I’m not entirely sure if I’ve seen anything beyond The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), which I have a very clear memory of seeing during its theatrical run. With The Two Towers, that was largely because I thought the middle-part of Middle Earth just dragged through its massive runtime with nothing but incident to recommend it, but here…?

Did I Like It: Here, I’m not sure I’ve seen this one before because after nearly its nearly 4 1/2 hours runtime, I actually kind of sort of liked it?

I know, I was as surprised as anyone else…

I always thought that my lack of enjoyment for the series in the past had stemmed from the fact that I had never read the original Tolkien text. Before this viewing, I did just that. Maybe that helped? Hard to tell.

Yes, there are stretches where I feel like both Tolkien and Jackson are content to spin their wheels while a conclusion to the saga looms (willfully?) just beyond their reach, but once things finally move on, the story takes on a great poignancy. That might have been predictable, as I’ve often expressed my antipathy to the series largely stems from my essential Hobbit-ness. The fact that I actually enjoy scenes set in the Shire a great deal, and can never quite understand why anyone would leave. Once things return to Hobbiton, I’m having a good time again.

But then everyone decides to take the last boat out of Rivendell* and I’m still left scratching my head. Why leave? Thus, I’ve come full circle.

*Which I could hear a thousand time—and probably did—and each time think they’re saying “Riverdale” and I keep thinking of, well, not the TV show but the actual Archie comics. I come to these movies (and the story) differently.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Director: Peter Jackson

Cast: Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, Liv Tyler, Viggo Mortensen

Have I Seen it Before: Sure? I eschewed everything after The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) during their theatrical run, but having been married to a dyed-in-the-wool Tolkienite for ten years, I’m sure I must have sit through it at some point.

Did I Like It: That’s not exactly the most upbeat note to begin a review on, no? The middle part of movie trilogies have a problem. They are all noise and incident, serving mainly as connective tissue between the stirring opening and the rousing conclusion. Even Star Wars - Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980), for all of its strengths is largely an assembly of connections, topped with a surprise ending that hasn’t really been a surprise to anyone in over 40 years. It might be controversial to say, but aside from the freeway sequence, I don’t think The Matrix Reloaded (2003) had much that happened in at all. Even Back to the Future - Part II (1989) stands as an incomplete story, but I enjoy that world and characters so much, that it fails to diminish my enjoyment of the film even a little bit.

And I think that’s the standard which dictates how much someone will enjoy the part two of a trilogy. The Tolkien cycle never has and, at this point, likely never will hit me on the same level as it does the most of you. Thus, this becomes my least favorite in the series. This will seem vaguely sacrilegious to some, mainly my wife who counts this as her favorite in the series. She’s probably reading this now and shaking her head, even if she’s not surprised by the judgment. Hi, honey. We’ll get to The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) here in a minute. I love you.

Anyway, the main meat of Gollum’s (Andy Serkis) contributions to the story are here, but aside from that, everyone seems mainly consumed with battles that aren’t the real battles they will have to deal with in the next film.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

Director: Peter Jackson

Cast: Ian McKellen, Martin Freeman, Richard Armitage, James Nesbitt

Have I Seen it Before: Yes. At various times in my life, I’ve been dragged to the theater to movies based on Tolkien’s work. I’m usually tired by the end of them, and I end up steadfastly refusing to see the rest of their respective trilogies. Before someone gets unduly bent out of shape, I’ll just say that I did not in any sense grow up with Tolkien’s work, so it didn’t mean much to have the works finally transferred to film. I’m also not a fan of high fantasy, so while the films could be the greatest ever produced, they just aren’t made for me.

Did I Like It: And so it is interesting that with this second trilogy that everyone kind of took my side in their reactions and collectively shrugged. Even my wife, who counts The Lord of the Rings trilogy as among her favorite films has yet to catch the final entry in this newer trilogy. The most obvious explanation for the film’s flaws is that it beggars all understanding that the shorter book is somehow forced to expand itself over an only slightly shorter trilogy than its progenitor. One can easily imagine that the studio was so desperate to recreate the success of the earlier films, even if the process of doing so simply didn’t make sense on its face.

The film is jammed with the same long-form clattering of incidents, trappings of sword and sorcery which launched more than a few D & D games*, and references that I’m certain mean a great deal to some, but next to nothing to me. Every other film in creation, I’m at liberty to be bored if the film stops for long sections of V.O. narration. With these films, I’m expected to ooh and ahh my way for three hours.

Which, I suppose, does make my feelings about these Hobbit films just as controversial as my views on Rings. I think there all of similar quality. Sacrilegious, I know.

But the problems become more fundamental—dare I say, philosophical—than that. I may be a Hobbit at heart. I want to stay in the Shire, and hear people sing songs, and eat dinner, and be left alone to write my books. My ideal version of this story would be obviously much, much shorter.

I get that I may be missing the point, but no level of elaboration, I think, is going to bring me around.

*Where my character would inevitably become inconsolably suicidal, so I could get home earlier.