Hellraiser (2022)

Director: David Bruckner

Cast: Odessa A’zion, Jamie Clayton, Adam Faison, Drew Starkey

Have I Seen it Before: Is it possible to see any new Hellraiser film and not feel like you haven’t seen all of this before? Please, don’t bring up any of the recent quasi-ashcan cash-grab sequels. A mortal being can only take so much torture.

Did I Like It: The film probably fulfills its promise by bringing the series out of its apparent absolute rock bottom and is a thorough victory of style. The special effects are largely good, or at least have the good sense to be ignorable when they can’t be very good. I’m looking in your direction janky CGI puzzle boxes who have the good sense to get real blurry. Any place where the pyrotechnics fail the proceedings, the art direction surpasses. The Hell Priest (Clayton, more than equal to the role) and company, to say nothing of our brief glimpses of the labyrinth have probably never looked this good.

Substance-wise, things are lacking, sadly. The inherent intriguing element of this series at its best is that the true victims of the Cenobites not only had their fate coming, they lusted after their unpleasant destinies. Here, the worst fates are reserved for seemingly benign (and certainly not willfully depraved) people who just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Our seeming protagonist (A’zion) practically loses her brother and several of her closest friends, but the Cenobites are perfectly content to just let Riley live with her guilt and her guilt alone. She doesn’t even lose them. They are relegated to the kind of prolonged and repeated eviscerations normally reserved for the worst of the worst in the series. I’m afraid that even with a few key cosmetic updates, the Cenobites most righteous—dare I even say, creative—days are long since past.

My benign disappointment with the movie notwithstanding, the real problem is how Hulu exhibits their—or really, any—films. I think I’ve made my peace with most streaming content being ad supported, but they couldn’t load me with a bunch of commercials—like many other streaming services—at the start of the film? Commercial interruptions? Really? Haven’t we moved past that? I suppose not.

Then again, if the Cenobites really wanted to find a way to torture me…

Hellraiser (1987)

Director: Clive Barker

Cast: Ashley Laurence, Andrew Robinson, Clare Higgins, Doug Bradley

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, sure.

Did I Like It: I can’t help but feel as if I was *way* to kind to Child’s Play (1988) chiefly because of it’s limited run time, but a similar sense of brevity means that this series never really takes off for me, even in those moments when we all kind collectively decided the adventures of Pinhead (Bradley) and company were even worth watching. This film feels like it drags far more than it has any right to for long stretches in the middle. Every time the film cuts away to a rat that only has a tangential relationship to any cenobite or puzzle box, I can’t help but wonder if—for all of the mystique surrounding him—Clive Barker hasn’t spent much of his career stalling for time.

That feels like a minor complaint, especially when I can easily see the better film under the surface of an under-edited film (I don’t know why Star Wars – Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) is the only one that comes to mind, but it does). The real problem, especially when compared to Child’s Play, is that everything is so deathly serious. It’s all by design (and a case can be made for it being over-designed), but has anyone, ever, had any fun watching one of these movies? Tastes may be subjective but if Hellraiser’s mood is your thing, there’s no way you’ve avoided watching it after all of these years.

What’s more, while there is undoubtedly a mood and aesthetic at play here, there’s nothing terribly frightening about the proceedings. It’s difficult to not be a little unsettled by the shadows on Halloween; they might just be Michael Myers. The only way Andy Barclay’s childhood could have been any sadder was if he never played with toys. Good luck avoiding Freddy Krueger and not feeling miserable for the rest of your short little life. But avoiding a strange puzzle box when I’m sad, lonely, and otherwise anticipatory? Yeah. I think I can avoid that.