North (1994)

Director: Rob Reiner

Cast: Elijah Wood, Jon Lovitz, Jason Alexander, Alan Arkin*

Have I Seen It Before: No. Sufficiently (perhaps justifiably) torpedoed upon release, the film simply didn’t have the ubiquity for we elder millennials to be watched, despite what Siskel and Ebert had to tell us.

I have seen the episode of Siskel & Ebert where they reviewed the film a handful of times.

Did I Like It: There’s a hope about the truly reviled films that if I were to view them, I would find the correct way to view it. I’d be the one that finally got what Reiner et. al were trying to do.

No such luck.

A story about a ten year old boy who—in the long line of films released in the period that I suspect Macaulay Culkin’s people turned down—masters something with which even adults struggle would, on spec, have at least some kind of charm.

It almost reaches that minimal point of joy, but never quite gets running. Unfortunately, Reiner and author/screenwriter Alan Zweibel have no ear for being a kid in the 1990s. Everything about this reads as someone in their 40s living in Brentwood trying to imitate the noises of a kid in the 1990s.

That would have yielded a movie with a discordant note about it, but unfortunately most of what isn’t North’s (Wood) inner life plays like the wheezing desperation of a Borscht Belt comic fifteen seconds away from the end of his career. Eskimos, Hawaiians, and a brief hit with the cast of Witness (1985). No one is safe from the most basic of potshots.

If those potshots were funny, then maybe I could take it all in as a guilty pleasure. Unfortunately, the only effective laugh is when one of the telephone operators answering questions about North says, without any additional context, “Don’t even get him started on the Warren Commission.”

All right, maybe Zweibel and and Reiner had one insight into the interior life of this ten-old-boy in 1994. Not enough to support an entire film, but they definitely got me there.

*Truly one of the more difficult movies to come up with a top cast. Willis should probably be in that top 4, right? It does make for a good hub to play variations of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Deep Impact (1998)

Director: Mimi Leder.

Cast: Robert Duvall, Téa Leoni, Elijah Wood, Morgan Freeman

Have I Seen It Before: Set aside, for a moment, the reality that the summer of 1998 was just one of those summers where I made it a point to see everything I could (Hope Floats, anyone?), you didn't get out of that summer having an opinion about the two big asteroids coming for the Earth films*.

Did I Like It: And now it's time for me to share those opinions, too. The lore around this movie is that it is the "smarter" version of the story, as opposed to its brother from a different studio. That's ultimately true, but l also think that forces almost every person on the planet to give Deep Impact more credit than it ultimately deserves.

Sure, Deep Impact reaches for emotions, whereas other movies are content with manipulation.

Indeed, there's some attempt at real science fiction, where there's a moment in that other movie where a character solemnly develops Space Madness, which I believe was cribbed from an episode of Ren & Stimpy. This one also has a score from James Horner, which automatically makes it better than most films you get in any particular summer, and a good measure better than any film that is to come**

But the reality is that Deep impact can really only be called a smart movie when it is compared to one of the silliest, most ridiculous films to ever blow out the speakers at your multiplex. It is a movie-of-the-week, with a cast of dozens, and plenty of moments of movie emotions, but it is still a big summer movie built with the largest, least discerning audience in mind. When compared with that animal crackers scene, however, Deep Impact suddenly transforms into a film for serious grown people only.

Deep Impact is the cinematic equivalent of my father growing up. His older brother was a wild child. Notoriously, legendarily so. I think Bart Simpson may have been partly based on my uncle.

Was my father a particularly well-behaved child? I don't tend to think so, but when those comparisons come in, I can see why my grandparents thought he was the calmer one.

Huh. And I didn't think I could get through an entire review of this movie without mentioning Armageddon (1998). There. I ruined it.

"I have no trouble imagining many of the people with those opinions didn't bother to see both films. I'll leave you to guess which one they did see.

**Maybe the Avatar sequels. Maybe.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Director: Peter Jackson

Cast: Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, Liv Tyler, Viggo Mortensen

Have I Seen it Before: I expressed during my review for The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002) that I’m not entirely sure if I’ve seen anything beyond The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), which I have a very clear memory of seeing during its theatrical run. With The Two Towers, that was largely because I thought the middle-part of Middle Earth just dragged through its massive runtime with nothing but incident to recommend it, but here…?

Did I Like It: Here, I’m not sure I’ve seen this one before because after nearly its nearly 4 1/2 hours runtime, I actually kind of sort of liked it?

I know, I was as surprised as anyone else…

I always thought that my lack of enjoyment for the series in the past had stemmed from the fact that I had never read the original Tolkien text. Before this viewing, I did just that. Maybe that helped? Hard to tell.

Yes, there are stretches where I feel like both Tolkien and Jackson are content to spin their wheels while a conclusion to the saga looms (willfully?) just beyond their reach, but once things finally move on, the story takes on a great poignancy. That might have been predictable, as I’ve often expressed my antipathy to the series largely stems from my essential Hobbit-ness. The fact that I actually enjoy scenes set in the Shire a great deal, and can never quite understand why anyone would leave. Once things return to Hobbiton, I’m having a good time again.

But then everyone decides to take the last boat out of Rivendell* and I’m still left scratching my head. Why leave? Thus, I’ve come full circle.

*Which I could hear a thousand time—and probably did—and each time think they’re saying “Riverdale” and I keep thinking of, well, not the TV show but the actual Archie comics. I come to these movies (and the story) differently.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Director: Peter Jackson

Cast: Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, Liv Tyler, Viggo Mortensen

Have I Seen it Before: Sure? I eschewed everything after The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) during their theatrical run, but having been married to a dyed-in-the-wool Tolkienite for ten years, I’m sure I must have sit through it at some point.

Did I Like It: That’s not exactly the most upbeat note to begin a review on, no? The middle part of movie trilogies have a problem. They are all noise and incident, serving mainly as connective tissue between the stirring opening and the rousing conclusion. Even Star Wars - Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980), for all of its strengths is largely an assembly of connections, topped with a surprise ending that hasn’t really been a surprise to anyone in over 40 years. It might be controversial to say, but aside from the freeway sequence, I don’t think The Matrix Reloaded (2003) had much that happened in at all. Even Back to the Future - Part II (1989) stands as an incomplete story, but I enjoy that world and characters so much, that it fails to diminish my enjoyment of the film even a little bit.

And I think that’s the standard which dictates how much someone will enjoy the part two of a trilogy. The Tolkien cycle never has and, at this point, likely never will hit me on the same level as it does the most of you. Thus, this becomes my least favorite in the series. This will seem vaguely sacrilegious to some, mainly my wife who counts this as her favorite in the series. She’s probably reading this now and shaking her head, even if she’s not surprised by the judgment. Hi, honey. We’ll get to The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) here in a minute. I love you.

Anyway, the main meat of Gollum’s (Andy Serkis) contributions to the story are here, but aside from that, everyone seems mainly consumed with battles that aren’t the real battles they will have to deal with in the next film.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings (2001)

Director: Peter Jackson

Cast: Elijah Wood, Ian McKellan, Liv Tyler, Viggo Mortensen

Have I Seen it Before: Sure. Hell, I was there on opening weekend. That was mainly because there wasn’t much else to do on that particular Friday night. If you happened to be in that particular auditorium, I was the one who laughed when Frodo (Wood) used the alias Mr. Underhill.

But that was only because it was the same alias Chevy Chase used at the country club in Fletch (1985).

Yes, I was that guy. It’s nice to see you again. I sure hope I didn’t ruin the movie for you.

Did I Like It: Look, I’m not the guy for Tolkien. Yes, I’ve read the books, but only recently. I’m not much for world building for the sake of world building, thus the Middle Earth canon and most of high fantasy just misses me.

But then again, this might very well be my favorite of all the Peter Jackson Tolkien films. I think that’s mainly because, for all of the sturm and drang that accompanies these stories, I always feel the proceedings lose something imminently pleasant when they leave the shire. I want to stay there and be among the hobbits. I’m not much for farming, but a good meal, and enough peace and quiet to write a book or seven suits me just fine. These adventures we keep getting dragged on run just a bit too long, and searches for far too many endings than one story ought to hold. Yes, the pictures are pretty. Yes, the actors play their parts well. Yes, the music is stirring. But I think I’ll stay here if it’s all the same to you.

Oh, you know what? It’s become abundantly clear I’m just Bilbo. That’s why this all hits a little bit different for me. I’m Bilbo. Everyone else can carry on. I’ll see you all in the third movie.