Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 (1988)

Director: Tony Randel

Cast: Claire Higgins, Ashley Laurence, Kenneth Cranham, Doug Bradley

Have I Seen It Before: I’m 90% certain that I’ve seen this movie all the way through at some point. I am reasonably certain that I’ve never seen any of the subsequent films in the series.

Did I Like It: I came to a conclusion while recently re-watching Hellraiser (1987) that if this series wasn’t—at it’s very basic core—about fucking, then it might make a pretty good horror movie for kids.

There are odd little creatures all about. It’s about the creaky, unsettling parts of living in a new house. The monsters aren’t irretrievably lethal monsters of the other slasher movies of the era. Often they are willing—if not strangely eager—to negotiate just how much danger you are in. That all is ignoring the fact that the McGuffin that unifies this series*

The fact that the one human trait that gets people in trouble in these movies is hedonism almost makes it more childlike.

Again, as one ignores the fundamental undercurrent of sadomasochism. Which I will admit, is hard to do.

This movie is somehow even more consumed with almost fairy tale qualities. There’s a new character who we can see this world through, a quiet, traumatized girl (Imogen Boorman), Julia (Higgins) is even more of a wicked stepmother than she was before (if that’s possible), and it all centers around this massive labyrinth standing in for hell. Throw in David Bowie and a handful of muppets, and you’d be off to the races.

Did I just come up with the latest Muppet re-make? Everybody’s a puppet, except the mad psychiatrist (Cranham)?

Can something be simultaneously a terrible and great idea?

*At least I think the puzzle box is the unifying factor in the endless series of direct-to-video entries. Judging from some of those posters, it might just be the internet that summons the cenobites. Which, now that I type that, kind of makes sense.

Hellraiser (1987)

Director: Clive Barker

Cast: Ashley Laurence, Andrew Robinson, Clare Higgins, Doug Bradley

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, sure.

Did I Like It: I can’t help but feel as if I was *way* to kind to Child’s Play (1988) chiefly because of it’s limited run time, but a similar sense of brevity means that this series never really takes off for me, even in those moments when we all kind collectively decided the adventures of Pinhead (Bradley) and company were even worth watching. This film feels like it drags far more than it has any right to for long stretches in the middle. Every time the film cuts away to a rat that only has a tangential relationship to any cenobite or puzzle box, I can’t help but wonder if—for all of the mystique surrounding him—Clive Barker hasn’t spent much of his career stalling for time.

That feels like a minor complaint, especially when I can easily see the better film under the surface of an under-edited film (I don’t know why Star Wars – Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) is the only one that comes to mind, but it does). The real problem, especially when compared to Child’s Play, is that everything is so deathly serious. It’s all by design (and a case can be made for it being over-designed), but has anyone, ever, had any fun watching one of these movies? Tastes may be subjective but if Hellraiser’s mood is your thing, there’s no way you’ve avoided watching it after all of these years.

What’s more, while there is undoubtedly a mood and aesthetic at play here, there’s nothing terribly frightening about the proceedings. It’s difficult to not be a little unsettled by the shadows on Halloween; they might just be Michael Myers. The only way Andy Barclay’s childhood could have been any sadder was if he never played with toys. Good luck avoiding Freddy Krueger and not feeling miserable for the rest of your short little life. But avoiding a strange puzzle box when I’m sad, lonely, and otherwise anticipatory? Yeah. I think I can avoid that.