Top Secret! (1984)

Director: Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker

Cast: Val Kilmer, Lucy Gutteridge, Christopher Villers, Michael Gough

Have I Seen it Before: Never. I know, I’m not sure how I made it this far, either.

Did I Like It: I laughed, mostly at non sequitir, but then again I’m a sucker for that which avoids sequitirianism. On that front, as a comedy, it hit its target. Did I laugh as much as I might have in Airplane! (1980) or The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)? Probably not.

What went wrong? A couple of things. First, Val Kilmer isn’t really funny. At all. I’m mystified to learn (and am still more than a little skeptical that it actually went down this way) that he sang all of his songs through the film, but he’s just not funny at all. Somebody like Robert Hays or Leslie Nielsen can milk all of the laughs they want out of playing things straight, but Kilmer can’t find that magic. I did like seeing Kilmer play off of the great character actor Michael Gough—who can be funny—but that’s more for other reasons.

Any movie would be doomed if it is that fundamentally miscast for the number one on the call sheet, but problems go deeper than that. Spy movies can be spoofed, sure. As much as the whole shtick got a little tired, the first Austin Powers largely works. Other genres are apt, like cop movies and the disaster film. By now, literally every genre has gotten the treatment with wildly varying degrees of success. But who literally cares about Elvis pictures? Even those who view the King as some sort of semi-religious figure can’t with a straight face claim that Viva Las Vegas (1964) and Blue Hawaii (1961) were worth a damn. A genre has to have some sort of quality to it before it can be ripe for satire. The Elvis movie is barely a genre, much less a beloved one.

Airplane! (1980)

Director: Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker

Cast: Robert Hays, Julie Hagerty, Peter Graves, Leslie Nielsen

Have I Seen It Before: Oh, sure. I always preferred Airplane Ii: The Sequel (1982), but then again I was ten, and not terribly bright. But this film had the first pair of boobs I had ever seen legitimately. Man alive, PG really meant something different back in the day.

Did I Like It: This movie has a lot to answer for. It was a big—and far more importantly, relatively cheap—hit, and as often happens in these cases, the wrong lessons were learned. Thus, they make an army of similar movies, that’s why in the early aughts*, you got an endless series of “spoof” movies that were just an endless series of the same old gags reproduced over and over again. I’ll admit, Scary Movie (2000) probably has quite a bit of blame in that combination, but it’s sort of like blaming the parents of Typhoid Mary for what happened after. But now that I think about it, if Typhoid Papa and Typhoid Mama taught the apple of their eye about proper disease prevention…

This is the part where all of the passengers line up to beat me senseless, right?

Anyway, what separates this from all of the immitators that came to follow? One might be tempted to say that the ZAZ team is the secret ingredient, but all of them eventually went on to make films that were far more part of the problem than not. For every Naked Gun that was to come, there were also An American Carol (2008), Rat Race (2001) (which I didn’t hate, but didn’t love), and even a few of those Scaries Movie (that’s how you pluralize those) in there two.

I think the true secret ingredient that got forgotten along the way was not the act of making a story around the gag that is special in and of itself, but having an  (even if it is a bizarre sense of) affection for the types of movies being sent up. These early movies understood that the best spoof movies that have an affection for that with which they poke fun. Mel Brooks understood that, especially in the earlier years of his career. Those guys who I can’t even be bothered to look up who are trucking in those types of films these days. They’re just a few steps away from an AI engine randomly spitting out things that might have otherwise been tagged as humor.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

Director: David Zucker

Cast: Leslie Nielsen, Priscilla Presley, Ricardo Montalbán, George Kennedy

Have I Seen it Before: Sure. 

Did I Like It: Is it the last great entry in the now long-since past its prime film parody genre? Here, the gags hit more than they miss. Nielsen continues to live his best life by embracing the oblivious straight man to unrestrained laziness he would continue to play for the rest of his days. The sequels were varying degrees of acceptable, but after this came a litany of entries in the “BLANK Movie” series content to merely reference the topics their lampooning, while at the same time forgetting to actually be funny in their own right. Those movies then went on to begat the execrable Cinema Sins and Honest Trailers Youtube videos. I’ve been to the future, and those videos will eventually lead to the highly advanced, but ultimately misanthropic supercomputers eventually responsible for the unravelling of all human society.

It’s likely unfair to judge a movie for the unintentional crimes it later inflicted on humanity, which is a perfect time to touch on the topic of this, O.J. Simpson’s most famous cinematic role. He’s likable enough and not asked to do much in the comedic arena other than mug for the camera and get shot and maimed. He’s amiable enough and game enough to not get in the movie’s way, although a plot (such as a movie like this could even have a plot) that hinges around proving O.J. Simpson’s innocence aged terribly within just a few years of the original release.

And yet, there is one element of the film that will forever be the right choice. Human society could collapse in on itself, and making Ricardo Montalbán your villain will always, always be the right choice.

Also, there’s only like two absurd credit items during the final crawl. I’m not sure whether to label it a missed opportunity that other movies would capitalize on, or a towering monument to restraint in a movie otherwise disinterested in anything resembling discipline.