Heathers (1988)

Director: Michael Lehmann

Cast: Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, Shannen Doherty, Kim Walker

Have I Seen it Before: Never, and I accept your recriminations. I really should have by now, right? Given the masterful job of subversion that screenwriter Daniel Waters pulled off in Batman Returns (1992)* one would think that it would be at the top of my movies to watch decades ago.

Did I Like It: But there’s a problem. Sure, I can enjoy a John Hughes film as much as the next person, but I run into a bit of a block when it comes to high school films:

There were things I cared about in High School, but I didn’t really care much about High School itself. I didn’t go to senior prom, opting instead to catch X2: X-Men United (2003)**. In subsequent years, I have not regretted that decision in the slightest. I didn’t get a senior picture taken, and remember with great relish being threatened with being cut out of the yearbook entirely if I didn’t comply. I was truly the phantom of the class of 2003.

So, perhaps inevitably, the absolute obsession that most teen movies have with their present circumstances always rings some degree of hollow to me. If what we do in life won’t matter in 100 years, what we do in High School will—in most cases—last about twenty minutes.

So, imagine my relief when the film embraces every bit of the dark humor that Waters is capable of, and ends in survivng characters being nicer to one another, opting to rent movies and pop popcorn instead of going to the prom.

*Is now the time to talk about the abject tragedy of Catwoman (2004)? I just checked with the editor of the site and, yes it’s fine. Waters was ready to go for a second helping of Pfieffer and turned his script into Warner Bros. the very same day that Batman Forever (1995) was released, virtually guaranteeing that his script would be summarrily ignored. What we could have had…

**Is anybody else alarmed by the sheer amount of references I’ve made to superhero movies in this review? Just me. Okie-doke!

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Director: Kevin Reynolds

Cast: Kevin Costner, Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, Alan Rickman

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, sure. Flashback to 1991 for just a moment, and I even had a full range of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves toys (even if they were just a pretty feeble repackaging of Kenner’s Return of the Jedi toys from 1983. Seriously. They just slightly repainted an Ewok’s face to make Friar Tuck. Look it up.

Did I Like It: There is plenty to like about the film. It’s core identity as a film is that of a competent 90s actioner. There are explosions, and jumps, and fights, and a thumping orchestral score (which, for reasons passing my immediate understanding became the music behind the Walt Disney Studios vanity card after a while).

Morgan Freeman is quite good in a thankless, undercooked, and probably ill-considered, but he’s been the best thing in plenty of bad things. Some great actors just like to work. Alan Rickman is a cartoon confection of a villain, but understands the job ahead of him perfectly and you marvel at the fact that, in what amounted to his three most memorable roles, he plays the villain, or at the very least an anti-hero. In the Harry Potter films, he milks every moment out of the pathos available to him. In Die Hard (1988) he is a coiled snake of ruthless intelligence. In this film, he’s Sindely Whiplash. And all are equally valid.

The problem is, that there’s something rotten at the core of the movie, and it is its star. Much was made in the years immediately after the films release about Costner not playing the hero of Sherwood Forrest with an English accent, but you forget how wobbly the whole enterprise is if you haven’t seen it in a while. Costner feebly attempts a more formal tone of speaking, as if that will serve, but even that is inconsistent. It’s only somewhat his fault, as the very idea of casting him in the role is a bad one. At his core, he’s too all-American. The corpse in The Big Chill (1983)? Sure. Pa Kent? Absolutely. He’s not an Englishman. But, sadly, he was a bit too big after Dances with Wolves (1990) and no one could say no.

Ultimately, it kind of makes it akin to Star Wars — Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) in that way, a fine piece of blockbuster entertainment with a single unbelievable performance at it that brings the whole affair down. 

I didn’t think as I was starting to write this review that I was going to offer quite so many Star Wars comparisons in this review, but here we are.