Downfall (Der Untergang) (2004)

DIRECTOR: Oliver Hirschbiegel

CAST: Bruno Ganz, Alexandra Maria Lara, Corinna Harfouch, Ulrich Mathtes

HAVE I SEEN IT BEFORE: Oddly enough, yes. And, no I’m not just talking about the litany of memes launched using Hitler (Ganz) screaming at his generals as their fuel. It doesn’t really feel like a film one would be in the mood to come back to… And yet, occasionally one just has to indulge in a movies where bad things happen to Nazis.

DID I LIKE IT: There are a few reviews where the old “did I like it” prompt feels like the inappropriate question. As Nicole Kidman teaches us, the default nature of the movies is to get us to engage in some degree of empathy or support or connection with the characters. This movie behaves for long stretches as if we are meant to do that very thing, with moments of a soft-spoken Hitler behaving kindly towards those—usually women—in his employ, and the distinct impression throughout the film that the collapse of the Third Reich is somehow a sad development.

The moment I might start to forget myself and let the film guide me in some direction a traditional narrative film might attempt, I’m immediately compelled to remind myself exactly what I’m watching. It can be a discombobulating experience, regardless of how well filmed and acted it might ultimately be.

I’ve come to the conclusion that’s the movie’s point. You watch these people come to something resembling exactly what they deserve and you can’t help but wonder how any person might be seduced by such unthinking and unrelenting hate*, but when those disturbingly lost people are depicted as the protagonists of a story, I for one realize my bewilderment is far too close to complacency. I must always remember what the movie is actually about.

*Although in recent years, its become clear that far fewer people have trouble imagining how a person becomes a Nazi than there really ought to be.

Spencer (2021)

Director: Pablo Larrain

Cast: Kristen Stewart, Timothy Spall, Jack Farthing, Sean Harris

Have I Seen it Before: Never. Ultimately I’m starting to feel a little bit embarrassed about the sudden uptick in my interest in the royal family, but as this movie essentially takes place immediately after the fourth season of The Crown ends—and it was exceedingly well-reviewed—I just couldn’t resist.

Did I Like It: Two things raise this above other docudramas covering the House of Windsor, especially during its darkest days in the 1990s.

First, surprisingly, is the lead performance from Stewart. Harangued by a perception that she is merely a block of wood with star billing (when in truth, the material she had when obtaining that star billing really doesn’t hold up under even the slightest scrutiny) she uses this alleged weakness as a strength. The practiced stoicism of the Princess of Wales is harnessed precisely, but that only makes those moments where she begins to crack around the edges all the more impactful. That she is able to at all sell extended sequences where she hallucinates both the ghost of Anne Boleyn (Amy Manson) and that she is Boleyn herself. Also, she has chemistry to spare with the two young actors playing her sons (Jack Nielen and Freddie Spry), which is never an easy task. It’s truly a remarkable performance that plays with expectations perfectly.

And that zeal for her role as a mother which brings to mind the other singular, wrenching quality of the film. Everything ends with a rather rousing victory for the Princess, where she interupts a pheasant shoot which William is to take part in, and whisks her boys way from Sandringham holiday, for a remaining Christmas filled with pop music and fast food. Things are happy, and in the language of a movie, we’re meant to think this will be the dawn of a new day for Diana. Except, the audience knows that won’t be the case. Tragedy by implication is far more powerful than forcing us to reckon with the sadness at hand.

Hellraiser (2022)

Director: David Bruckner

Cast: Odessa A’zion, Jamie Clayton, Adam Faison, Drew Starkey

Have I Seen it Before: Is it possible to see any new Hellraiser film and not feel like you haven’t seen all of this before? Please, don’t bring up any of the recent quasi-ashcan cash-grab sequels. A mortal being can only take so much torture.

Did I Like It: The film probably fulfills its promise by bringing the series out of its apparent absolute rock bottom and is a thorough victory of style. The special effects are largely good, or at least have the good sense to be ignorable when they can’t be very good. I’m looking in your direction janky CGI puzzle boxes who have the good sense to get real blurry. Any place where the pyrotechnics fail the proceedings, the art direction surpasses. The Hell Priest (Clayton, more than equal to the role) and company, to say nothing of our brief glimpses of the labyrinth have probably never looked this good.

Substance-wise, things are lacking, sadly. The inherent intriguing element of this series at its best is that the true victims of the Cenobites not only had their fate coming, they lusted after their unpleasant destinies. Here, the worst fates are reserved for seemingly benign (and certainly not willfully depraved) people who just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Our seeming protagonist (A’zion) practically loses her brother and several of her closest friends, but the Cenobites are perfectly content to just let Riley live with her guilt and her guilt alone. She doesn’t even lose them. They are relegated to the kind of prolonged and repeated eviscerations normally reserved for the worst of the worst in the series. I’m afraid that even with a few key cosmetic updates, the Cenobites most righteous—dare I even say, creative—days are long since past.

My benign disappointment with the movie notwithstanding, the real problem is how Hulu exhibits their—or really, any—films. I think I’ve made my peace with most streaming content being ad supported, but they couldn’t load me with a bunch of commercials—like many other streaming services—at the start of the film? Commercial interruptions? Really? Haven’t we moved past that? I suppose not.

Then again, if the Cenobites really wanted to find a way to torture me…

The Princess Bride (1987)

Director: Rob Reiner

Cast: Cary Elwes, Mandy Patinkin, Chris Sarandon, Robin Wright

Have I Seen it Before: Well, sure. But this is where I am going to have to open up this review with a confession.

Did I Like It: Is this somehow going to be more controversial than my review of Halloween Ends (2022)? Ok. Truth time. I’ve never liked it as much as some people. Some people love this movie like it would be able to patch the hole in the ozone layer and always smell like freshly popped popcorn.

It’s a frequently funny film. There are large swaths where it is thrilling and heartwarming. Every inch of this film is designed to be likable, and it delivers on those goods… I think one could make the case that there is nothing particularly wrong with the film?

And yet?

Doesn’t it all seem a little too slim for it’s own good? Maybe complaining that the film is “too short” is praising the movie with faint damnation, but aren’t there like three dozen characters jammed into just over 90 minutes?

Isn’t every great, well-remembered moment of the movie just a catchphrase pre-packaged for the meme era? Do we really love “My name is Inigo Montoya” and “Have fun storming the castle,” or is it just that their both easily imitateable?

And I can get over all of those complaints, but somehow there are people who with great earnestness proclaim this as their favorite movie. There are people out there who have built their entire identity around this movie. We’re never likely to get a proper memoir from Cary Elwes, because he figured we were all good after he got through all of his stories from The Princess Bride. I see the appeal. I just don’t see that much of the appeal.

Is it just that I’m nuts?

Inconceivable, I’m sure.

Hellraiser (1987)

Director: Clive Barker

Cast: Ashley Laurence, Andrew Robinson, Clare Higgins, Doug Bradley

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, sure.

Did I Like It: I can’t help but feel as if I was *way* to kind to Child’s Play (1988) chiefly because of it’s limited run time, but a similar sense of brevity means that this series never really takes off for me, even in those moments when we all kind collectively decided the adventures of Pinhead (Bradley) and company were even worth watching. This film feels like it drags far more than it has any right to for long stretches in the middle. Every time the film cuts away to a rat that only has a tangential relationship to any cenobite or puzzle box, I can’t help but wonder if—for all of the mystique surrounding him—Clive Barker hasn’t spent much of his career stalling for time.

That feels like a minor complaint, especially when I can easily see the better film under the surface of an under-edited film (I don’t know why Star Wars – Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) is the only one that comes to mind, but it does). The real problem, especially when compared to Child’s Play, is that everything is so deathly serious. It’s all by design (and a case can be made for it being over-designed), but has anyone, ever, had any fun watching one of these movies? Tastes may be subjective but if Hellraiser’s mood is your thing, there’s no way you’ve avoided watching it after all of these years.

What’s more, while there is undoubtedly a mood and aesthetic at play here, there’s nothing terribly frightening about the proceedings. It’s difficult to not be a little unsettled by the shadows on Halloween; they might just be Michael Myers. The only way Andy Barclay’s childhood could have been any sadder was if he never played with toys. Good luck avoiding Freddy Krueger and not feeling miserable for the rest of your short little life. But avoiding a strange puzzle box when I’m sad, lonely, and otherwise anticipatory? Yeah. I think I can avoid that.

Halloween Ends (2022)

Director: David Gordon Green

Cast: Jamie Lee Curtis, Andi Matchiak, James Jude Courtney, Rohan Campbell

Have I Seen it Before: Well, that’s really the whole point, isn’t it?

Did I Like It: There is literally no opinion about this movie that isn’t controversial, so we probably better get this one out of the way right away:

Yes. My name is Mac Boyle, and I enjoyed Halloween Ends. If you’re no longer here when I get to the next paragraph, I’ll understand. We’ll always have that romantic motorcycle ride we took between murders.

Still here?

Okay.

Ends is a meditation on the effect of violence on people. Some of them try to force the idea of moving on. Some collapse in on themselves. Still more try to wield that evil for their own in a vain, flailing attempt to exert dominion over their lives. It also has a little, itty bitty flirtation with a golden-year romance between two characters I have spent a lot of time liking over the past several years. I’ll admit that if your relationship to the Halloween series is entirely dependent on the series adhering to its tried-and-true formula, this film isn’t going to work for you. But I am forever a sucker—like Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991) and Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)—for a sequel that Trojan-horses an entirely different genre into their series. Green’s movies have been unique echoes of what Carpenter might have done with the series had he not given up on the whole affair back in the 80s.

Now, given the amount of breath I’ve wasted over the last fifteen years complaining about Rob Zombie’s two films in the series, you would might be totally justified in thinking me something of a hippocrite. But consider this; for all of the weird new territory that this film attempts (I will admit, not everything about the film works 100%; I’m looking in your direction, band kids), Michael and The Shape (Courtney) is still that strange kid who woke up one day and decided to start and never stop stabbing people. No siblings. No Thorn. No “Love Hurts” and disappointing stripper moms. If the core of what made something work in the first place stays in tact, then I’m ready to go in a lot of weird directions

Child’s Play (1988)

Director: Tom Holland

Cast: Catherine Hicks, Chris Sarandon, Alex Vincent, Brad Dourif

Have I Seen It Before: I’m certain that at some point I’ve sat down and watched this movie from beginning to end, but is it possible I’ve actually caught fifteen minutes here and there on cable screenings over the last thirty years? Yes, absolutely.

The film’s poster is the real memorable thing, isn’t it, though? No, I’m not talking about the one featured in this review, which positively screams to me that someone at the studio was more than a little ashamed about what was really at the heart of the terror of this film. I’m talking about the one that was plastered in every video store in the late 80s that jettisoned anything resembling shame, single-handedly torpedoed the My Buddy toy line, and led this video renter to eventually write a short story where the covers of horror videos come to life to get the drop on some unsuspecting kid who would be far less frightened if he actually got to watch the movies involved.

Did I Life It: From all that, you might be forgiven if you thought I didn’t like it. Surely, there are rough edges all around. The puppet is clearly a puppet, except when he’s at a distance and clearly a little person dressed as a puppet. The mythology is ridiculous (and indeed is a the vehicle of many a film of self-deprecation to come). The kid (Vincent) is only believable or effective when he appears to be in real danger (which is impressive enough).

But maybe it was a byproduct of my mood (which should always try to be surpassed in criticism), but far more likely it is as a result of the runtime, which kept the film from wearing out its welcome, but I suddenly found myself searching for Child’s Play 2 (1990) and on available via streaming. If that doesn’t count as some sort of endorsement for a horror movie, I don’t know what does.

Wayne’s World (1992)

Director: Penelope Spheeris

Cast: Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Rob Lowe, Tia Carrere

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, please. Or perhaps I should say “Schya?” (which the new Blu-Ray steelbook tells me is the proper spelling)  I find it highly unlikely that someone could get through their childhood in the 90s and not catch this one. I’m probably more familiar with “Bohemian Rhapsody” from this than anything else…

Did I Like It: The film is funny, which is more than can be said for really any of the SNL-based feature films (yes, I’m including you,  The Blues Brothers (1980)), and it is far weirder than any film based on a recurring comedy sketch has any right to be. That weirdness, too, doesn’t limit it from authentically and affectionately depicting that unique, guileless aimlessness in your 20s which can be bought out entirely for $5000.

We could talk about all of that, but it’s obvious. There’s nothing new to be added to any of those points. Do you want to know where this movie rises above even movies occupying similar types of characters like Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) or Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)?

It’s in a dismantling of toxic masculinity that the film rises above its peers. Yes, its heroes are governed by a shallowness concerning the opposite sex, are dominated by a need for immediate gratification (does licorice go bad if you replace the rear view mirror of your car with a dispenser?), and are more interested in what people like than what they are like. But where other characters are usually terrified by nothing more than the implication of a man telling them they love them.

And yet here, there is no terror when Terry (Lee Tergesen) continuously tells characters he loves the. There’s just an awkwardness at the slightest acknowledgement of any real emotion between people. But in the end (albeit the mega-happy ending), that is all dispensed with to make everyone better people than they were at the beginning, even if it is in service of a joke.

Banished: Prince Andrew (2022)

Director: Jamie Crawford

Cast: Prince Andrew

Have I Seen it Before: No, but I’ve been watching a lot of The Crown lately, so my attention sort of drifted toward it one afternoon while working on some other projects.

Did I Like It: Which brings up an interesting question: Should I be writing a review of this? When I started these reviews in 2018, I decided I would write a review for any feature-length film I watched and for which I hadn’t already written a review. TV movies would certainly count*, and streaming only is a foregone conclusion Since I now a have a legit popcorn supplier and outside of film projected screenings (I won’t hold my breath), and all of the pleas of Nicole Kidman are just so much words, theatrical-only is feeling like the exception, rather than the rule.

But what about something that clearly—with just a few cuts—could have been a news channel special, and a tabloid-y one, at that? The thing even stalls out for act breaks, even though commercials are nowhere in sight, after I indulged in a thorough “ad experience” to defer my future ad breaks.

The film is fine, for what it is. It didn’t reveal anything particularly new about the Duke of York, Jeffrey Epstein, or any of the other figures in the story. It had no access beyond a few talking heads and reels (that should probably be gigabytes) of b-roll.

Ultimately, I can’t make heads or tails out of why I watched the movie at all. Maybe I needed something on in the background while I was trying to get some things, done, and this coincided just enough with my watching of The Crown on Netflix to fit the bill. Maybe I’m so much more open to the idea of taking in whatever Peacock has to offer me, now that they will be the ones bringing us the long prophesied Community movie**. Anyway, I watched the whole thing, and here is a review.

*The films of Ken Burns, RKO 281 (1999), It (1990), Salem’s Lot (2004), and The Shining (1997) (they were all on the same disc set) have all been reviewed, and were released on TV initially. I did not hesitate a bit in reviewing those. I even admire some of them a great deal.

**Did I buy a Honda the year they under-wrote large portions of Greendale’s sixth season? Do I still use Yahoo! on occasion? Yes. Yes, I do.

Smile (2022)

Director: Parker Finn

Cast: Sosie Bacon, Jessie T. Usher, Kyle Gallner, Kal Penn

Have I Seen it Before: Nope. Kinda bummed they couldn’t bring this thing on to Paramount+ (by all indications it was originally produced with a streaming release in mind) at the same time as theaters, as my love affair with going to the movies, but such is life at the moment.

Did I Like It: The movie has about half a dozen good jump scares, which is more than a lot of movies have going for them. That has to count for something, right? The reactions of the family and friends at the birthday party are legitimately unsettling, but feels inessential to the larger proceedings, and exists only to be unsettling for unsettling’s sake. I’m willing to admit that’s probably intentional on the part of the filmmakers, even if it feels as if the film isn’t fully capitalizing fully on its strengths.

I’d dwell on the fact that there’s just enough doubt riddled throughout the film as to whether or not something supernatural is actually happening to Rose Cotter (Bacon), or whether the trifecta of stress, trauma, and family history is causing here to see things, but the moment the curse manifests as just another forgettable CGI monster, the question both isn’t answered and is rendered effectively meaningless.

What I really want to dwell on, and it is bugging me still nearly a week after screening the film is this: Why are horror movies obsessed with fashionably appointed kitchens as of late? Between this and The Night House (2021)*, I get the sense that the production design of horror movies and the romantic comedies of Nancy Meyers have improbably merged into a single aesthetic.

*Incidentally, there is an almost total certainty that in no sooner than a year’s time, the details—grins aside—of both of these movies will blend together and become largely interchangeable. I think it may already be happening.

Confess, Fletch (2022)

Director: Greg Mottola

Cast: Jon Hamm, Marcia Gay Harden, Kyle MacLachlan, Roy Wood Jr.

Have I Seen it Before: No, but I’ve read a number of the Fletch books, including listening the the audiobook of this one quite recently.

Did I Like It: Which I think goes straight to my big problem with the film, even if it is a minor one. It’s only been a few weeks since I took the story in, and I had long since forgotten who did it. While I like the character of Fletch, and the journey of through these stories are always pleasurable enough, the mysteries themselves aren’t anywhere near as engaging.

All things considered, that’s probably a pretty good mark against an adaptation: For better or worse, it has harnessed the spirit of its source material, flaws and all. Thankfully, while I felt a little disconnected with the mystery that fuels the comedy, I can say that the usual steadfast rule that the most famous person in the cast is usually the one who did it didn’t hold up here. There were two people of relative equal fame who weren’t playing one Irwin Maurice Fletcher, and only one of them did, in fact, do it. Knives Out (2019) probably made more hay out of avoiding that cliche, but that is more a question of budget than intent.

The other problem I’ve had as I’ve read the Gregory Mcdonald books is that it has been absolutely impossible to reconcile the character within those pages with the fundamentally smart-aleck, and occasionally needlessly absurdist starring vehicle tailored for Chevy Chase in the 80s. Hamm, however, feels perfectly at home in the role. There is almost nothing zany about his work in the role. So, for someone who has been itching to have Fletch return to the screen, this is about as welcome a return as a man could hope for.

When a Stranger Calls (1979)

Director: Fred Walton

Cast: Charles Durning, Carol Kane, Colleen Dewhurst, Troy Beckley

Have I Seen it Before: Never. In fact, if Columbia/Tri-Star hadn’t mae the Blu Ray packaging look like a well worn copy at a VHS rental store, I might have missed it for the rest of my life, or at least until it came up on rotation for Beyond the Cabin in the Woods at some other point in time.

Did I Like It: I liked twenty minutes of it, but that is all to say, no.

Carol Kane is so good at the beginning, and that first act is so taut it’s no wonder to see how it inspired Scream (1996) and its sequels just as much as Halloween (1978). But then the movie jumps ahead seven years for reasons never fully justified, and meanders in a dreary, fatigued cat and mouse game between an incompetent police detective turned PI (Durning) and the killer (Beckley).

I had the slightest bit of hope that when Kane—now married with children her own—returns for the final half hour of the film, things might be looking up. It probably would not be enough to get me to like the film, but at the very least it could have finished strong.

No such luck. Poor Kane succumbed to the sensibility of the rest of the film and lurches through the final scene turning into one of the more frustrating characters in a horror movie. People often moan and wail about horror movie characters doing “stupid” things. I’ve always fully been able to imagine a person in aa stressful situation doing things that might be ill-considered. Kane’s character appears to have entirely forgotten about her traumatic experience in the film’s opening and behaves as if certain, instinctual parts of her brain had never been fully connected.

So to sum up, a reasonably good twenty minutes, followed by 70 minutes of almost relentless bullshit, and one good Blu Ray cover that in retrospect… doesn’t feel that good.

That all being said: if they want to go for a legacy sequel with later-day Kane bringing her Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt to a self-aware slasher, I’d be happy to be first in line.

Apollo 13 (1995)

Director: Ron Howard

Cast: Tom Hanks, Bill Paxton, Kevin Bacon, Kathleen Quinlan

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, sure. In fact, taking the movie in at 11 on VHS* feels like the first—or at least one of the first—movies meant for grown ups that really captured my imagination. It sent me into one of several periods over the last thirty years where I became obsessed with the space program, or at least that era before NASA decided to putter around in low Earth orbit for all eternity**.

Did I Like It: I’m smack dab in one of those periods where the Apollo program absolutely fascinates me. It’s entirely the fault of the Apple TV+ series For All Mankind, which has rapidly become one of my favorite television series ever. By its very nature, the show guarantees that we’re never going to know what’s going to happen at any given moment.

Even if I hadn’t already seen the movie several times over the years, I’d know exactly what happens by the end.

And yet, it is still thrilling. That may be partly because the story—without any Hollywood embellishments (of which there were few, judging by the Jim and Marilyn Lovell commentary track on the DVD—is just that thrilling. Everything that could have gone wrong on humanities third attempt to land on the moon did go wrong, and yet astronauts Lovell (Hanks), Haise (Paxton), and Swigert (Bacon) still return home at the end.

Also, and I really didn’t think this was going to be the case nearly thirty years after the film, but the special effects still work. The launch sequence is still insanely thrilling, and there isn’t even any inherent tension at that point in the film. The journey for the free-return trajectory to the moon depicts a lot of subtle details of the flight (chiefly debris from the explosion following the spacecraft through most of its arduous journey) that I honestly hadn’t noticed on previous viewings. Lora indicated one shot didn’t hold up as much as the others, where Ken Mattingly (Gary Sinise) watches the launch. She was right, but it didn’t even occur to me until after we were done watching that the film might have any technical flaws at all.

*How did we ever live like such animals? It boggles the mind.

**I know we’re trying to get back into the actual exploration of space beyond our planet, but as I type this Artemis I failed it’s second launch attempt in half as many weeks, I’ll believe it when I see it.

X (2022)

Director: Ti West

Cast: Mia Goth, Jenna Ortega, Martin Henderson, Brittany Snow

Have I Seen it Before: Never.

Did I Like It: I can’t say that I found the first two-thirds of the film—you know, the part that would have functioned perfectly well as any of a number of softcore porno films airing on premium cable in the 90s—more than mostly boring. I usually find prolonged depictions of sex pretty boring, and it isn’t even remotely like the film has anything even remotely as fresh to say about pornographers as Boogie Nights (1997), or even anything as introspective about strippers as Showgirls (1995). The only even remotely profound things it has to say about sex are focused on the insistent grossness of its villains, which lends the film an ugly quality beyond its violence.

If that was all the film had to offer, then it would have been a pretty depressing experience, especially considering that the film comes pre-packaged as a franchise which could run for years, with an entire prequel imminent, Pearl, which had been shot concurrently with this film and another sequel on the drawing board.

So, how did the film win me over? First, the entire movie—for all of its flaws in tone—feels thoroughly as if it was produced in the time in which it takes place, the late 1970s. There’s never one moment when I could see the 2020s leaking through the film, and that is an impressive enough trick in its own right. When the film really gets going, it very nearly feels as if it was a long-lost slasher movie of the era, only turned up recently.

Which brings me to the film’s ending. Slasher absurdism abounds and ugliness in a number of forms pervades. This alone would limit the film to reaching only for the mediocre, especially when it is abundantly clear that it is slavishly devoted to being an homage of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). But that the film could tag the proceedings with a joke that proceeds somewhat logically from what preceded it, turns the entire thing into a comedic Rube Goldberg machine, and it’s hard not to like that.

Prey (2022)

Director: Dan Trachetenberg

Cast: Amber Midthunder, Dakota Beavers, Michelle Thrush, Dane DiLegro

Have I Seen it Before: Na. Glancing at the archives of reviews on the site, I was surprised to the point of mystification to learn that I’ve not only seen the net most recent The Predator (2018) and wrote a whole-ass review of it. I have almost entirely no memory of the film.

Did I Like It: Any cursory glance at Film Twitter over the past couple of weeks will treat the reader to literally anyone’s ranking of the Predator series, usually putting the original Predator (1987) as number one, this film as number two, and the various Alien vs. Predator films and the aforementioned The Predator picking up the rear. Occasionally a non-conformist will pull Predator 2 (1990) as the leader of the pack.

Here’s the thing: Every last one of these lists has been dead wrong. Not only is Prey the best movie to feature a Predator since the original. It is the best film of the entire series. It is one of the best science fiction movies since the year 2000, and that’s with the knowledge there have been some absolute gems in the 21st century with which this film would have to compete.

I had half a mind to re-watch the series after catching up with this film, but now I think I’m content to leave the others dim in my memory and the entire series as one superlative film. No mythos, or at least, any mythos was so embedded that it didn’t distract from the film. Just action and character and almost entirely believable (minus an occasional bear, which can certainly be forgiven) special effects.

Some might (and, honestly, have) complained about a seemingly primitive girl with no training taking on an alien whose entire culture ensures he is a nearly perfect killing machine. To those people I say: fuck you. Naru could kick your ass too, and any struggle she had on her quest to fell the Yautja only made for a more interesting movie.

The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)

Director: Martin Scorsese

Cast: Willem Dafoe, Harvey Keitel, Barbara Hershey, Harry Dean Stanton

Have I Seen it Before: Never. Chalk it up to another another cinematic blind spot. As a blissful non-Christian I’m neither offended by the film’s creative liberties and abandonment of the gospels, nor am I particularly moved by the subject matter in the first place. From a distance, I feel almost the same way about the film as I would The Passion of the Christ (2004). I really have to be “in the mood” for a picture about a crucifiction, and I rarely—if ever—am. The key difference is that Scorsese on spec is much more apt to get me “in that mood” than Gibson, or even Jeffrey Hunter, for that matter.

Did I Like It: The film is clearly well made. It would be foolish in the extreme to question the bona fides of Scorsese. The beginning and the ending are undeniably fascinating. Depicting the moral grey area of Jesus (Dafoe) is a revelation that might actually invite a viewer to move beyond the ethical vacuum that Christianity can sometimes create in its followers. Faith alone is nearly worthless if you are more than willing to bring your carpentry skills to bear on a full array of crucifixes. The ending, where Jesus is given something resembling a choice in his fate makes his sacrifice have even some kind of meaning, even for this particular non believer.

The middle, however, could be counted among any other depictions of the life of Jesus one might find. The film is almost too devout at the core, that it once again becomes meaningless. It’s ultimate reverence (and, for that matter, Peter Gabriel score weighing everything down in an 80s milieu) for its subject material keeps me further from the subject matter.

Maybe it should have been more irreverent? That might have cut through my cynicism and gotten me on board. The zealots don’t know a good thing when they have it heading straight for them.

Beavis and Butthead Do America (1996)

Director: Mike Judge

Cast: Mike Judge, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Cloris Leachman

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, sure. Did anyone have HBO in the 90s and get around seeing this one? I think my parents might have even seen it at some point.

Did I Like It: I’ve been going through a bit of an MTV-renaissance lately. Well, I suppose it can’t be counted as much of a rebirth, when I never really watched the channel in my youth. And yet, between The Real World Homecoming (a show in which I thought I would never have any interest), my HBOMax hunger strike*, and Beavis and Butthead Do The Universe (2022), I’ve been parking it at Paramount + on the regular, and it more often than not feels like its the late 90s early 2000s all over again.

There’s an odd simplicity to this movie, when compared with its much later progeny. Universe felt the need to wrap the affair in a thoroughly meta plot line. That was probably rightly so, in order to bring the two heroes into the weirdness that is the end of the first quarter of the 21st century. Here, Beavis and Butthead (both Judge) are content to be what they were at their most pure: Two dimwitted and ultimately malevolent sex maniacs, too stupid to realize they never need to go on the journey insisted on by the road movie int which they have drifted.

That may feel like a complaint, but it isn’t. This is as pure a delivery system for Beavis and Butthead as one is likely to find. The only way to amplify this movie’s primary quality would be to stop the proceedings in the middle to be an unrelated concert film complete with running commentary. That might have worked less as a feature, but I would direct the reader to Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996). It could have worked. We would have watched anything that year.

*They know what they did. Odds are you do, too.

The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)

Director: Frank Oz

Cast: Jim Henson, Frank Oz, Dave Goelz, Steve Whitmire

Have I Seen it Before: Oh, sure. I’m the guy who keeps noticing that the diner Jerry and George eat in the pilot of Seinfeld is actually the exterior of the luncheonette where the Muppets work here. It’s the movie released the weekend of my birth, no less.

Did I Like It: I really wished I did. It doesn’t have the heart of The Muppet Movie (1979), or the demented, anarchic glee of The Great Muppet Caper (1981). It might be unfair to say that a film based on characters who made their bones in a variety format is short on plot, but those previous films made good—and in the case of Caper, great—cases for their existence. Here, the Muppet gang are small-timers who want to make it big with their obvious talent and charm. Sound familiar from The Muppet Movie? It should. And then—surprise of all surprises—they do it. Without ornate sequences involving Kermit (Henson) and Piggy’s (Oz) nuptials and imagining the muppets as babies* which add nothing to the proceedings, the runtime might not have even qualified as a feature.

This is all perfunctory, as if all of the Muppet crew (here all together for the final time in a feature before Henson’s passing in 1990) desperately wanted to be doing something else. After reading the recent Brian Jay Jones biography of Henson, I’m thinking that was probably the case. Oz never felt comfortable with the Muppet label and seems to tolerate this exercise so he can have a hit under his belt so he could start directing what he might have viewed as real movies. The Dark Crystal (1982) bombed somewhat scandalously two years earlier, and I even get the sense throughout the is film that Henson hoped Crystal’s failure wouldn’t mean he’d have to be attached at the hip with Kermit for the rest of his days.

*Even the Muppets characters themselves stop the movie cold to eye a Saturday Morning cartoon deal.

Lightyear (2022)

Director: Angus MacLane

Cast: Chris Evans, Keke Palmer, Peter Sohn, Taika Waititi

Have I Seen it Before: No.

Did I Like It: The movie’s pitch is an intriguing one. But can this movie really feel as if it came from 1995? Largely, no. For every moment where Lightyear blows on his autopilot cartridge to get it to reset, there are more than enough moments where the film is squarely in 2022. No, I’m not talking about Hawthorne (Uzo Aduba) having a same-sex partner. That almost hints that the world of the 1990s in Toy Story (1995) is actually a better version of our world, one where that sort of thing wouldn’t matter*.

I’m more talking about the digital HUD displays and the films need to swing back and forth between IMAX and regular 2:35:1 aspect ratios. That was not a 1995 film thing to do. It has a tag scene—and an incredibly perfunctory one, at that—which doesn’t feel like something that happened before Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003). There is very little about the film that doesn’t loudly proclaim its status as a product of its true time.

And yet, there are moments where it reaches for that quality. It is almost as if that pitch was far more pure in some stage of the film’s development, and cooler, more conservative heads at both Disney and Pixar prevailed to make it more pedestrian. The film couldn’t exist in a world where it could be anything other than  a simple story with a convoluted time travel gimmick at its heart…

…which, in and of itself would have been the exact kind of movie I would have loved in 1995. Something more than I originally thought of that original promise may have survived to the final film.

* Although the implications that Andy never bothered to get a Hawthorne (either of them) action figure—or that the toy company never produced one—is kind of a bummer. The idea that talking Sox (Sohn) toys weren’t the single most popular toy of that world’s 1995 also beggars belief.

They/Them (2022)

Director: John Logan

Cast: Theo Germaine, Carrie Preston, Anna Chlumsky, Kevin Bacon

Have I Seen it Before: Nope. Brand new!

Did I Like It: Nearly each—perhaps even every—moment of the film feels forced, mannered, and stiff. It’s truly a wonder that a directorial debut from an Oscar winning screenwriter would be forged of this much leaden dialogue. It’s an after school special at its core, even if it has its heart in the right place.

That doesn’t even begin to cover the perfectly obvious way in which the story unfolds. Movies like the recent <Scream (2022)> embrace the inclusivity of the moment, but also manage to make me invested and guessing about the mystery behind the violence on display. Here, I figured out the entirety of the plot by halfway through the runtime, and I think you will, too. It’s plot is on the complexity level of a police procedural, and not a very good one, at that.

The film also feels like a false bill of goods. Advertising points to the movie being a slasher flick wherein the horror of a gay conversion camp is what ought to be truly scary. It’s only kind of about that, and only in the last few fleeting moments of the film.

In short, I didn’t care for it.

And that’s okay!

Ungainly, mostly frustrating slasher movies fueled by heteronormativity are legion. It’s sort of encouraging that a film fueled by an honest attempt at inclusivity isn’t very good. It doesn’t need to be. I might be talking out of my depth here—but then again, more people may need to say it—but a bad movie will add to the normalizing of the LGBTQA experience. If this movie fails, it doesn’t mean that inclusivity—especially in horror—will wither on the vine and die.

Unless that’s where the discourse about the film leads. That would be the worst part about the whole enterprise, but it also would not be the film’s fault. It would be ours.