Flash Fiction Story 072: If You Enjoyed This Book

We hope you have enjoyed this exciting title from Party Now, Apocalypse Later Industries. We are hard at work on additional titles to add to your library.

Okay. He went to go look over his files to make sure he’s got the full list of books he’s working on. We have maybe a minute before he gets back. Oh, damnit. He’s faster than I thought. Shh… Don’t let on that you know something is up.

Here is just a small preview of all the exciting things we have coming soon.

The Once and Future Orson Welles

The long-threatened “final” (see below) entry in the “Orson Welles For All Seasons” series will likely be the next book released by the company. It will see the various plot lines from The Devil Lives in Beverly Hills and Orson Welles of Mars come to a head, with a much older Orson leading a group of younger, New Hollywood directors on an expedition to find the long-lost sword of King Arthur.

Although at this point it could all change and end up being a book that presupposes the infamous “Frozen Peas” tapes were left over from Orson’s attempts to fake the moon landing. 

Li’l Orson and the Acute Case Of Appendicitis

Realizing that a good idea can never truly die, I will soon return to the world of Orson and his byzantine history, telling a story of the boy who would one day direct Citizen Kane. Detailing his adventures with master escape artist Harry Houdini, the mismatched pair put an end to the Teapot Dome Scandal, or something. At the end of the story, Houdini is punched repeatedly by a mysterious woman, after which he dies of acute appendicitis.

It is—in keeping with the rest of the series—completely historically accurate. Look it up.

Orson Welles’ Out Of This World Low-Cal Cookbook

And finally, I will make all of us wish I had never written anything about Orson Welles with this collection of dishes such as The Other Side Of The Wind Quesadillas and The Magnificent Hamberson Sandwich. You’ll feel as if you died, went to heaven, and you’ll slowly realize you peaked at the age of 25. If you don’t have gout by the time you’ve tried the F for Fake Apple Pie, we’ll give you your money back!

His eyes have glazed over. He’s got that look on his face like he’s questioning all of his life decisions. If his mother wanted him to give law school another shot, he’d be most susceptible right now. That being the case, this might be our best shot to spring me from this. Here’s the deal. I’m a genie. Yes, an actual genie. Oh, God. He’s snapped out of it.

But the fun does not end there! These other books are bound to bring joy to you and the book lovers in your life for years to come.

Hugs and Kisses: How To Be Totally Radical With Your Subordinates

This tome is destined to join the pantheon of the truly great management self-help books on the market. Everyone knows the one thing missing from the business world is physical contact between superiors and their subordinates.

Assuming this revolutionary text clears our legal department (and why wouldn’t it?), it should be something your boss really thinks you should take a look at by Christmas.

Do you see what I have to deal with, here? This guy is becoming increasingly unhinged. He’s looking right at me now. Why did I have to say anything while he was still looking?

If A Story In This Book Goes Over Twenty Words, This Whole Book Will Explode

Not to be outdone by this volume, the next writing challenge I have set for myself involves writing a piece of ultra-short fiction each week. 

Here’s just one example:

He crossed the street and found a chicken.

“Why’d you do it?” asked the chicken.

“I think you know why.”

See? They’re going to be great. By my math, it will take me just over 48 years to come up with enough pieces to fill an entire volume. Put in your Amazon pre-orders ahead of 2067 now!

Pick-the-Plot #2: Are You Kidding? It’s The Crushing Ennui That Will Kill You

Breaking out once again the similar-to-but-legally-distinct-from Choose Your Own Adventure model, in this book you take the role of Roger. Roger is in his thirties. He has a job. Now, you go on that adventure! Will he quit the job and not have enough money to eat? Will he relent to the crushing winds of society and join the ranks of middle management?

Here’s the catch: It doesn’t matter what page you turn to, the story ends up the same either way. It’s a clever twist on an old formula, and that is the promise made every time you open up a Party Now, Apocalypse Later book.

Okay, he may be out for a while. Let me level with you. I’m in trouble. You see, the author of this book has sealed me—a normally unassuming and friendly genie—into the pages of this book, to ensure both its success, and his future success as an author. I’m more than a little sure that’s not how genies work, but that doesn’t seem to matter much to him. If the author becomes rich and famous, then he’ll set me free to be reunited with my genie family, wife BLEEEEERT, and twin sons The Artist Formerly Known As Grifty Joe and Matthew. 

Please buy these books. If you don’t, I’m doomed. Please, think of my family.

Shh. Here he comes again! Act natural!

The future is bright here at Party Now, Apocalypse Later Industries! No doubt about it!

Art by Eris O’Reilly

Art by Eris O’Reilly